Albion have been sensationally drawn into a scandal involving the alleged abuse of the elderly.
Following up on a report made by a general member of the public, Age Concern were made aware of alleged activities during a recent Southern Sunday League Premiership fixture.
A member of the public who has asked to remain nameless gave the following statement, “I was walking my dog along Clapham Common last Sunday when I was drawn by a loud moaning noise from the one of pitches. Looking closer I could see a rather tall old man walking aimlessly around the centre circle, flailing limbs and shouting out random names of people who didn’t seem to be nearby. “Ralph!â€, “Ralph!†Was the only one I made out. At first I was concerned an elderly member of the public had walked onto the pitch in confusion, however I soon realised the gentleman was kitted out in full strip and answered to the name of “Daveâ€.
It is not known whether the old gentleman in question was asked to play against his own will but reports suggest there was more than one potential victim. The eye witness went on, “there was also a ginger gentleman who seemed to be foaming at the mouth, shouting in anguish and seemed to be confused which way around his head was. I’ve never seen so many backwards headersâ€.
Asked for his opinion controversial pundit “Big Ron†had this to say, “The ginger fella’s doing no one favours with those headers, tell you what, Clive, Slater looks like he’s playing from amnesia out thereâ€.
Albion have denied the allegation but manager Stewart Lauder confirmed that there we’re several players over the age of 40, some of whom had “reluctantly come out of retirement 4 or 5 times in the last yearâ€.
Age Concern issued the following statement, “We take these matters very seriously and from early reports, these actions seem barbaric and must be stopped. We have looked into league records and as well as recently fielding a team with the combined age of 556 years old, the average squad age is 38â€. Adding, “We are particularly considered by David McPhee, as his play is clearly displaying early signs of dementiaâ€.
The eye witness concluded, “I felt most sorry for Nicholas Cage’s older brother who had been asked to run the line and who was later introduced into the playâ€. Adding, “And I’ve no idea why that young lad was playing right wing in a team with all those old guysâ€.