Albion Legends

“You never retire from Albion. You just stop playing.”

Neale Scott

Kinderschinder

NealeScottA former player and manager Neale oversaw many epic achievements at the club, not the least of which were playing through many brutal hangovers which would have incapicated lesser men. The ‘backwards tackle’ and ‘Scott turn’ remain legendary on the Common, as do Neale’s Hulk pants which remained his preferred match day underwear, despite their frayed fabric and knackered elastic.

 

 

 

James Farrow

Played 752 games for the Albion before a big money transfer to Madrid lured him with a heavy heart. Jim’s elegant defending drew comparisons with Colin Cooper and Steve Chettle. Big Ron says: “Nice touch for a big man.” His one game as Albion captain is still to this day regarded as “not bad”.

Mike Rigby

Mike La / Riggers

Mike RigbyScouse journeyman Michael J Rigby III captained Albion 917 times between 1983 and 2005. His shock retirement at the start of the 2005/6 season saw him move back to the North which subsequently saw a vast increase increase in petty crime. Rigby was best known for his left foot which could, according to Big Ron, “open a tin of beans”.

 

 

 

 

Matt Greensmith

Greg Proops

MattGreensmithTestament to Matt’s legendary status is the fact that debate still rages (usually between Matt and anyone who will listen) as to whether he should be ranked as No. 1 or No. 2 in the pantheon of heroes, when most mere mortals would be content with an entry in the top 10. Matt’s years of instinctive and clinical goalscoring for the Albion have cemented his legacy with flattering comparisons to Nicky Barmby, Brian Marwood and Chris Kiwomya. Banned by his missus from keeping his foul smelling ankle support in his flat he succesfully kept it hidden from her at the back of the airing cupboard where it remains to this day. Famously never passed to Dan in his entire Albion career.

 

 

Giles Greensmith

Gilo

The greatest goalkeeper never to have played for the Albion. In the Sunday League that is. Gilo holds a rare position as a legend having achieved his status immediately on his first tour with the Albion for his performances ON and OFF the field. The rugby league version of Steve Claridge has proved a man mountain in goal which belies his valuable on the pitch and as a penalty taker. Like Guy a HUGE favourite with the fans and very photogenic.

Jason Hewitt

Leonard

LenLeonard is another legend of the noughties. His uncompromising and industrial style was offset by his propensity to stands with hands on lower back in a camp manner akin to Leonard Rossiter – hence his celebrated pseudo-moniker. Regarded as the best two-fingered photo swearer of all time and also a Cvnt Card World Champion.

 

 

 

 

Gordon Clark

Gordy / Weetabix

Scottish stalwart Gordon Clark evokes memories of other legendary Scottish defenders – Alan Hansen, Colin Hendry and Christian Dailly. The scorer of some truly spectacular own goals, Gordy’s most unique quality was his ability to loudly bollock himself on a football pitch for a misplaced pass, sometimes referring to his excessive cereal consumption as an excuse. Encyclopaedic knowledge of sexual deviancy.

Tim Wright

Lobster Lover

IMGP0743Tim is clinically bonkers. This is one of the many reasons he has cemented himself as an Albion legend. Others include sleeping off a hangover under a bush at a Buenner Cup tournament and his incredible linguistic talent of making everything sound mundane. Tim also possessed a Dennis Wise type ability to wind up opponents with unusual tactics, the most famous of which was when he licked the palm of an opponent. Crippled by his Albion career he now wears knee supports on both legs. Is one half of the Albion DJ collective the Las Vegas Womens Institute. An expert in Latvian tourism.

 

 

Jon Roberts

The Penis / Uncle Rob

Jon RobertsAlbion’s leading deviant, Jon is the player most likely to start a game hungover. However, his sometime shambolic appearance belies astute positional play, strong tackling and ability to remain calm in the face of defensive panic around him. Despite over a 1,000 games has only ever scored 1 goal, a mis-hit cross. Unpleasant pre-match rituals include despoiling Cafe Nero’s toilet and lewd pole dancing warm-up.

 

 

 

Si Kelly

Albion’s defending has turned many a player to drink, but none as spectacularly as Si Kelly. Tries to erase the memory of attempting to play the offside trap with John Stanley by drinking himself to death in New Zealand vineyards.

Kenan Dunan

Keano

“Take a walk around my new centre half gents’ said Neale Scott when introducing Keano to the press, “He’s a colossus.” Dunan’s eruptions during a game became legendary with “SUCK IT” becoming an appropriate catchphrase on Clapham Common. He cemented himself as an Albion Legend after telling a referee to “fvck off” from close quarters.

Pete Bailey

Having been diagnosed with gigantism, Pete was turned away by the Harlem Globetrotters for being too tall. A fearless stopper, he had the ability to maraud foward. Had the longest throw in South London football, a tactical advantage which Albion shamelessly exploited for several seasons. “He’s the rock the team grows from,” says Ron. Eats 6 weetabix daily.

Claudia & Steffi Meyer

The Meyer sisters transcend the term legend. Having hosted Albion FC in Germany on 6 occasions without a single arrest, attended numerous Albion drinking binges and watched the club lose a cup final, they have entered a special place in the club history. Their drinking prowess and party attitude has turned many an Albiones into a quivering wreck of a man (Andy Quigley).

Roger Soper

RogerSoperUkranian billionaire Roger Soper is Albion’s club secretary. A former player for the team in the 60s he has now safeguarded the future of the club, so much so that Albion followed Barcelona’s example and accepted a sponsorship deal with a charity. His tireless and selfless work for many seasons is rewarded with the magnificient football he is able to watch on Clapham Common. In the pissing rain. In January. He’s a lucky man.

 

 

 

Craig Matthews

The Craig / Jewish Grandmother / Tom Tom / Rainman

His only game for the Albion might be a 20 minute substitute appearance, however, The Craig cemented his Albion legend status during Buenner Cup ’07. Widely mocked in the departure lounge for bringing travel Scrabble for a 50 minute flight, he became the most popular team member after a two hour delay left the squad desperate for entertainment. During the tournament his special naps nearly ended in tragedy when he was discovered by a pack of Albion sex hyenas. Several wasp related incidents have also contributed to his legend. A bizarre attempt to assert that the average wasp weighed six grammes, was recently topped when the presence of a nearby wasp reduced The Craig to high pitched hysterics. However, his legendary status is currently under review. An unfortunate rib breaking tackle on Jindy during an inter-Albion ‘friendly’ during Buenner ’07, and his point blank refusal to do double figures during an aborted attempt on the Buenner schnitzel eating record, have meant his legend status could be revoked.

Guy Blanchard

The Rat

His name is suggestive of a missing member of the Musketeers, however, it’s Blanchard’s rapier sharp attacking play for which he is most well known. He has been physically ruined by playing for the Albion, evidenced by gruesome ankle and eye injuries. Memorably sent off for pinning an opponent to the ground and strangling him, an incident Big Ron dismissed as: “An exchange of pleasantries.”

John Stanley

Jonglish / Pepperami / Carl Douglas

JohnStanleyThere are legends, Albion legends, and then there is John Stanley. Over the course of nearly 20 years with the Albion he combined game-saving last ditch tackles with individual idiosyncracies including the outside of the boot special, a full somersault after being tackled, and the use of a fifty pence piece to head the ball. John’s unique approach to marking and the offside trap would have perplexed even Rafa Benitez. He also invented a completely new football language – Jonglish – which amused and confused team-mates in equal measure. He cemented his legendary status by trading puns with Noel Edmonds on Deal Or No Deal in the TV highlight of 2008. Bam!

 

 

Reuben Stanley

The Reuben Cube

ReubenStanleyAlbion’s legendary enigma and striker. Bagged hatfulls but never the chances you expected. Combined an uncanny ability to miss tap-ins with a supernatural ability to score goals from seemingly impossible positions. Possessed the longest legs in Sunday League football which may have explained his erratic dribbling skills which looked like a drunken Paolo Wanchope. Played his entire Albion career wearing a bandana which he never removed, the mystery of what lay underneath provided a regular debating point for Albion players. In 2007 Reuben narrowly missed out on a FIFA fair play award when he flagged for a penalty AGAINST Albion when running the line.

 

 

Tony Echeumuna

Tony X

TonyEchemunaPossibly the angriest man ever to play Sunday League football, no Albion match would be complete without an unintelligable roar of anguish after a misplaced pass. This was not the only problem he had with direction finding as the Tone-mobile’s satnav frequently led the team on lengthy tours of South London back streets whilst attempting to find an away ground. Tony was also famous for his frequent appearances at games wearing an all-in-one romper suit. Tony earned his legendary status through frequent comparisons to Roger Milla for his quick footwork and nimble dribbling skills. And like the Cameroon legend debate continues over his real age.

 

 

 

Duncan Hale

The Funk / Schnitzelfuhrer

LittleteapotAntipodean hardman who dogged performances on the left hand side of midfield and defence earned favourable comparisons to Stan Lazaridis. Dunc earned his legendary status on Albion’s 2008 Buenner Cup tour when he smashed the local schnitzel eating record, chomping through a phenomenal 14 pork slabs before dirty pope-ing immediately afterwards. Dunc also earned a reputation as one of the more stylish members of the squad with his extensive collection of footwear made from rare reptiles. An attempt to hitch a lift in Germany whilst dressed as a hooker was, in hindsight, a fashion faux-pas.

 

Greg Williams

Rhona / Rasiak

The Geordie wing wizard combined the physique of Micky Quinn with the the pacy runs and close control of Peter Beardsley. His failure to gain entry to The Alex’s Eastern European Sex Palace was spectacularly redeemed after pulling one of the cast of Skins. Widely considered a favourite of manager Jade Barker a fact they attempt to disguise through frequent bickering.

 

 

 

Dan Roberts

Dandy Boy / Dog Rapist

The connoisseurs choice of Albion’s creative players, Dan has delighted joggers and passing dog walkers on the common for years with his skills. As Big Ron says “He’s got the works in his locker – traps the ball like a dead rat, better in the air than the Luftwaffe and an eye for goal that reminds me of Pierre Van Hoojidonk in his pomp.” Wears a Mike Phelan mask during every game. Scared of horses (equiphobia?).

 

 

 

Vilem Palac

The Lion King / Pamela / Robbie Savage

The midfield ace swapped a promising career in the Czech third division for the giddy heights of mid-table mediocrity in the Southern Sunday Football League. Possibly the most arrogant player ever to turn out for Albion, the highest compliment he would ever give another a team mate was, “That was almost as good as me”. Regardless, he did have the kind of skills which reduce Alan Hansen to a string of adverbs, “Pace, power, touch, technique”. Cemented legendary status by playing every game dressed as a member of Motley Crue.

 

Barny Day

Lord Barnaby / Max / Bradley

BarnyA string of impressive defensive performances has earned this new recruit favourable comparisons to such famous ginger stoppers as Matthias Sammer, Steve Lomas and, er, Bradley from Eastenders. Imposing physique has moved Big Ron to declare: “He’s a unit.” His mojito scented aftershave has led some to question his pre-match preparations. Second in Albion’s defensive ginger heirarchy, although current player of the year. Part time hiker.

 

 

 

Myles Desenberg

Myles Desenberg - Silly (640x426)Another Antipodean import courtesy of Albion’s Australian academy run by Neale Scott. The Craig Johnston lookalike possesses tackling and passing ability, a usually unheard of combination of Albion defenders. Believed to be working on developing a Predator shin pad. Is the first long-haired football player to enjoy a successful music career since Chris Waddle. Once had a no.1 in Thailand.

 

 

 

 

THEY ALSO SERVED…….

Paul Beavis

An Albion intellectual, Paul’s PHD in rheumatoid arthritis was using Neale Scott’s knees as a live experiment. Rapidly became an Albion favourite with some stunning saves, a commanding presence in the box, and providing pin point assists with goalkicks.

Paul Stuart

Along with Paul Beavis, Paul Stuart pushed the Ginger Prince into third place in the Albion’s intellectual heirarchy. A PHD student and talented musician, Paul also demonstrated an unusually high aptitude for Sunday league football in a variety of positions. Rumours abound that he was sired by Bamber Gascoigne, with his mother being Paul Gascoigne.

Neil Dufton

Squid

The Curiously named Squid hailed from the Wirral, placing him alongside such giants of the game as Dixie Dean and Jason McAteer. The Squid combined clinical finishing with a Craig Bellamy-esque ratty workrate. Big Ron describes him as a “busy little cvnt”. Another PHD student, debate continues as to whether he pushed the Ginger Prince to FOURTH in the intellectual heirarchy.

Andy Quigley

Polite Andy Quigley

Despite being an Everton fan, Andy was incredibly polite, as evidenced when he waved people past him in a go-kart race in Dinklage. On the pitch his brand of courteous tackling and hard work made him a fan favourite. Big Ron described him as: “Very fvcking neat.”

Omar Romero

The best goalkeeper in Trinidad AND Tobago, eyebrows were raised when he was not selected for the 2006 World Cup. Brazil striker Adriano insisted on having his photo taken with him – see Albion photos. Drinks only Malibu and Lilt.

Phil Ryder

Big Phil

PhilRyderIn an attempt to boost Albion’s US marketing drive the club imported this muscular American defender. Big Phil immediately provided “great D” and “good hustle” to Albion’s back line. His career with Albion was cruelly cut short following a freak 5-a-side injury. We wish the big fella well.

 

 

 

 

Matt Turner

Another Aussie import who learnt everything he knows about football from Pele. Combines a Tevez like ratty work rate with pacey dribbling skills. It is unknown whether, like the great Brazilian, he suffers from erectile dysfunction.

 

 

 

 

 

Andy McCue

Bieber

After having his skills honed in Albion’s Australian Academy by legend Neale Scott, McCue has brought the backwards tackle back to the common along with a healthy lack of respect for a referee’s ability to officiate any game. His passing ability has already caught the eye of Big Ron who has dubbed it “Heinz-like as it’s got 57 varieties.” Has carved out a reputation as a midfield commando, although this has less to do with his tough tackling performances than his preference for playing without underwear. Controversially rocked a Justin Bieber hairdo throughout this entire Albion career.

 

 

Matt Garwood

Matt Garwood (640x426)Albion’s new recruit immediately endeared himself to the Albionisti with a 5 goal haul against bitter rivals The Falcons and hasn’t looked back since. Has a dodgier hamstring than Ruben Stanley, unfortunately without the immediate recovery. The proud owner of the telephone which Graham Alexander Bell used to make the world’s first phone call. Current reigning “Snake” world champion.

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