Jon Roberts

Jon RobertsJon talks about chopping off Bungle’s fingers, hot lucozade gravy and going downtown on Charlie Brown. Sometimes he even makes sense.







Name: Jon Roberts
Age: 32
Height: 5’10 or 11, haven’t measured myself recently.
Previous clubs: Onslow Tuis, Seer Green, Chiltern FC
How long have you played for Albion: 6, 7 maybe 8 seasons. Not sure, my memory is poor.
Club you support: Manchester United Football Club.
Favourite food: Lasagna.
Favourite film: Depends what mood I’m in – The Godfather / Airplane / Highlander
Favourite TV programme: You’ve Been Framed – not the Beadle or Riley vintage but the Harry Hill voiced roller coaster of hilarity.
Favourite player: Norman Whiteside. Ahh, Big Norm. 1985, down to ten men, Sparky plays a superb ball out to Whiteside who with a quick step over unleashes an unstoppable effort into the far corner past the best keeper in the world at the time. Also legendary for that time when he came on as sub at Anfield and the first thing he did was put McMahon on his arse.
Player you are most like: Arthur Albiston.
Do you have any non Albion nicknames: Not that I know of. Albion nicknames are enough – The Penis, Deviant, Uncle Rob etc.
Best subject at school: Art.
Superstitions: None.
Famously, you’ve only scored once for the Albion. For the benefit of team members who weren’t born then, can you describe this historic moment: It was an away game against Surrey on a blustery grey morn, many, many moons ago. The Albion were awarded a free kick just inside the opponents half on the right hand side. As Dan stood over the ball (most likely whilst moaning at the ref about some trivial matter) I sensed the opportunity to maraud. With reactions of a greyhound and the pace of a youthful Grahame Hogg I charged forward past Dan and implored him to play me in down the right flank where my spritely gallop had caught the opposition unawares. Taking the ball in my stride I looked up and saw that our front line had reacted to my quick thinking and were charging forward in the hope of a trademark inch-perfect cross despatched from my trusty right boot. At the same time I realised that this was exactly what the keeper was anticipating… so, giving him the eyebrows, I lofted what some may have thought to be a mis-hit cross but what was actually a precision chip that floated over his head and neslted in the far corner. It was bloody great. The pleasure of scoring was somewhat sullied by losing 3-1 and the after game fracas – the now legendary Wheeler / Stanley “Don’t call me boy!” confrontation. But then again, it’s not about the glory of the goal and the individual, it’s the glory of the team – men, united as Albion.
Career highlight: Every time I pull on the number 3 of Albion.
Favourite music: All sorts really. At the moment – MF Doom, Super Furry Animals, Billy Joel, Bon Iver,
Mel & Kim, Os Mutantes, Elbow.
Other job: Production Manager at a record label.
How do you psyche yourself up for Albion games: By driving for 45 minutes from the home counties listening to some Eric Dolphy style freeform jazz.
If you had a sister, which Albiones would you not you let her date and why: Dan. Because that would be incest – no matter how fit she was. And any of the Albiones with WAGs as I don’t want my sis to be a homewrecker, she’s better that that.
Best piece of footballing advice: “I wouldn’t shower here if I were you”. Advice given when playing against HMP The Mount.
Favourite football game of all-time: Onslow Tuis v Douglas Villa, in the Raumati Cup quarter final, 1986. Stuart Pearce would have been proud of the tackle I made on their right winger as he was through on goal. I was only 11 but that was the tackle of a man. I nailed that bitch. He went downtown. Charlie Brown.
Favourite drink: Tea / Coca Cola / Dr Pepper / Guiness / Heinekin / Gin – one after the other.
You’ve played with some almighty hangovers. Please rate the effectiveness of 90 minutes with Albion as a hangover cure: There’s nothing big or clever about binge drinking, kids. I have been known in the past to turn up at the ground with a pasty complexion, blood red eyes and a curious smell of stale fags and urine wafting around me but I have always made sure it has not influenced my performance on pitch. Even when taken ill during the second half against SJB I made sure that I instructed Mikey La to cover me while I orally expelled what can only be described as hot lucozade gravy all over the right wing.
Pre-match meal: Coffee & toast. And sometimes more coffee in emergencies (see below).
What aspect of playing for Albion makes you evacuate your bowels shortly before kick-off: It’s a strange phenomena this one. Throughout the week I would say my movements are regular and healthy. Yet come Sunday morning a whole different metabolism takes over. I can feel totally relaxed and at ease upon leaving home but I think the combination of adrenalin and poor roads and shock absorbers on my 1997 Citroen Leader (1.4i – that’s right speedfreaks!) alter my circumstances. I can exert enormous energy trying to remedy this before setting off but have nothing to show for my efforts and yet just 45 minutes later I am chopping off Bungle’s fingers like no one’s business! I know the code to both Cafe Nero toilets in Clapham off by heart.
How regularly does Dave appear in your dreams – dressed and undressed: It is still unclear whether the F*cking Naked David of my nightmare was McPhee or not as he never came out of the wardrobe.
Worst football pundit: John Barnes presenting was hilarious. And even though Lawro probably knows his stuff he still comes across as a fey sex pest. Alan Green on Radio 5 is an absolute bellend.
Most annoying Southern Sunday ref: It’s too difficult to just pick one. Trevor Nelson would be better if he managed to speak at least once during a game.
Pin-up: My wife. And Gene Hackman.
Pick your all-time greatest team: Schmeicel, Irwin, Ferdinand, Stam, Albiston, Coppell, Whiteside, Robson, Giggs, Cantona, Hughes
Sub : Muhren

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