Barker: Locked in talks with himself

Albion manager Jade Barker could be on the verge of a sensational playing return as the club seeks to deal with its annual skiing season player crisis.

Barker had retired from Albion’s active playing roster last season, but Barker has opened the door for himself to make a dramatic comeback to help out during the player shortage. Sources inside the club said that Barker was set for showdown talks with himself to try and thrash out a deal.

Barker has moved in recent years to rejuvenate the squad by bringing in younger players, but in a conversation with himself late last night it’s understood that he talked himself round to the idea that a short term deal would be beneficial to both manager and player.

The main stumbling block was a disagreement as to Barker’s best position. Barker had felt he was a superior option in every position to any of the current playing staff. However, Barker has now accepted that he can realistically only fill one role and that other players have to continue to feature in the side.

Slater: Stunned by abuse

Albion have been embroiled in new row about racism in football. The row broke out after an opposition player demanded to know if Barny Day was related to Will Slater during Albion’s last game asking: “Is he your fvcking son or something?”

Day and Slater were visibly stunned by the abuse. Day had to let Duncan Twigg take the next goalkick whilst Slater’s throw-ins became slightly more erratic than usual for the next 10 minutes.

The pair have been previously heckled by opposition supporters likening them to Eastenders unpopular characters Max and Bradley.

Albion manager Jade Barker though tried to play down the row, denying anything untoward had happened. He said: “I’ve no idea what was said during the match. Especially as all ginger’s look-a-like to me.”

Day: Unable to take goal kick

However, the row was reignited after a couple of extraordinary interventions from football’s top pundits.  ‘Big’ Ron Atkinson weighed into the dispute claiming Slater to be a “ fvcking lazy thick ginger”.

While Alan Hansen said: “You never win anything with red heads.”

Day: MOTM

Whilst our political masters squabble over whether, when, and how, Scotland should vote for independence, the only vote which really matters has already taken place and the result is in.

Man of the match for the game against Southbank was Barny Day for snuffing out the threat of the opposition’s forward line. Notable mentions for Will Carlile, Don Thomas, and Duncan Twigg who all came in joint second.

There were votes for Vilem who has clearly spent his time recuperating from his injury in Surrey at the local Ramblers Association, given that he turned up at the match looking like a Country File presenter. Apparently John Craven is the new rock’n'roll.

However, the winner this week was Steve who decided the best way to motivate Will Carlile was to pour his lucozade into his bag during the half time team talk.

Lauder: Repeatedly mumbled "They're all off."

Heading a football can damage the brain according to new research from America. The scientists found that repeatedly heading the ball caused damage similar to concussion.

However, Albion players said they saw no danger. When questioned about the study Albion centre back Barny Day simply dribbled from the corner of his mouth whilst his eyes stared unfocussed into the middle distance. Whilst Stew Lauder rebutted all lines of questioning on the subject by slowly shuffling round in a small circle mumbling: “They’re all off!”

Albion supremo Jade Barker was equally as scathing that any players was risking their health. Barker said: “You can’t tell me there any risk to my lads brains. Few of them have that much that can be damaged. Centre backs are ten a penny anyway. We can just get some more in and turn them to cabbages too.”

Evans: Scored with a sweet Buddy Holly

Albion had to rely on a late winner to secure a 3 – 2 win over AFC Navigados.

On a fog bound Dulwich pitch Albion went into an early 2 – 0 lead. Nick Evans fired home a volley to open the scoring and Rich Pemberton drilled into the bottom corner after being given a second invitation to shoot. However, Navigados started to establish themselves in the game and were rewarded with a goal from a corner fired into the near post.

In the second half there were chances at both ends. However, Navigados got the crucial goal when Albion failed to deal with a ball into the 6 yard box. The goal motivated both sides to push for the winner they each felt they deserved. A succession of corners and throw-ins into the Navigados box was finally rewarded when Will Carlile managed to finish into the bottom corner after a goal mouth scramble.