Albionivia – Albion Trivia

Some Crazy Jive Talking

Legendary “sexually confident” hardman, Neale Scott, is actually a huge jive dancing fan attending regular lessons in south west London (usually in disguise). Quizzed by Albionivia, the moustachioed Scott said in a falsetto voice “Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a lady’s man, no time to talk…”

Who is number two?

McPhee: Can't account for Little Geoff's behaviour

McPhee: Can't account for Little Geoff's behaviour

Legendary midfield general Dave ‘Northern’ McPhee is used to crapping on opponents on a Sunday morning. A little more surprising is the revelation that as a child he used to defecate on his parent’s garage floor and then blame his imaginary friend Little Geoff. The reasons for Little Geoff’s very dirty protest have never been explained.

The Red Head

As a teen, a nasty skiing accident left The Ginger Prince Will Slater with a severely injured groin. Whilst having some massage therapy from a young nurse, Slater (much to his horror) found himself aroused by the brushing of a loose cuff on her tunic and achieved full tumescence. Having listened to Will’s very red-faced apology, she simply responded “Well, the treatment is supposed to increase blood flow to the area.”

Recruiting The Don

Albion’s scouting network has paid handsome dividends over recent years, perhaps partly due to the unorthodox tapping up of players. Rumour has it that the 2006/7 Club Man of the Year, Don Bailey, came into contact with Albion via John Stanley. When John was interviewing him for a job. Biding his time, John didn’t invite him to the Albion at their first meeting, preferring to wait six months before cold calling Don out of the blue in the search to strengthen Albion’s midfield. Classic Jonglish.

Escape from Tijuana

Roberts: "Done more porridge than Goldilocks."

Roberts: "Done more porridge than Goldilocks."

Albion’s team contains many tough hombres, but none are tougher than Mexican jailbird Dan Roberts. On a visit to Tijuana one of Dan’s friends relieved himself in an alley that wasn’t quite dark enough to stop him being spotted by the local police. As his friend was thrown into the back of a police van, Dan unwisely choose to protest at this miscarriage of justice by banging on the side of the vehicle, unfortunately prompting his own swift arrest. Upon arrival at the local police station Dan was thrown into a jail cell populated by Danny Trejo lookalikes. In an ill-advised attempt to prevent himself being sodomised to death, Roberts sought to establish a rapport with his cell mates enquiring: “Does anyone like football?” to the assembled throng of predatory Mexican bandidos. It is not known whether Dan’s encyclopedic knowledge of the football league would have been enough to save him, as he was soon released courtesy of a large payment to the Mexican police. The incident still strikes fear into Dan’s heart, but only at the propect of his mother finding out.

X-Rated Defending

Bill isn’t the first Albion keeper to have enjoyed an acting career. However, he’s possibly the only one to have starred in a p*rn film. He assures us that he only had a, *ahem*, “small part” in the film. The revelation gives new meaning to Bill’s urgent calls to his defence to “finish hard”.

Dirty Pints, Dirty Pants

Many is the Albion player who has suffered dire bowel trouble following a dodgy pint from Albion’s notorious former post-match boozer The Alex. However, not everyone has suffered quite as violent a reaction as Stew Lauder.

Accompanied by a friend, who had already been brought low by a dodgy Alex pint, he was making his way home across the Common when Stew felt a knife like pain go through his abdomen. Realising that a runaway train was on the loose in his bowels he attempted to make it back to his home before the inevitable disaster.

Lauder: Have you seen his Calvin's?

Lauder: Have you seen his Calvin's?

Sadly the train ran out of track before Stew could make it back to his flat and he had to relieve himself in a neighbours front garden whilst clinging on to the wall. Stew’s ever supportive companion chose this moment to add a little levity to proceedings by hitting Stew’s hands causing him to fall back onto the slurry he was fertilising the garden with.

Upon reaching his home Stew locked himself into the bathroom to clean-up the damage. Sadly, his white Calvin’s were a write-off and so Stew disposed of them in a suitably hygenic and responsible manner. The soiled garments were flung from the bathroom window never to be seen again.

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