Albion Squad 2015/16

“At Albion, you’re only as good as your worst ever game.”

Bill Blaney (Goalkeeper)

Nic Cage / Hatch

A recruit from the MLS, Bill has rapidly adjusted to the lager drinking demands of English Sunday football. His previous career in adult films means he’s used to being left horribly exposed, perfect training for any Albion keeper. The best US shot-stopper since Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory.

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Stewart Lauder (Centre-back)

Carrick

Captain who is a tough tackling centre back who, likes nothing more than tackling man, ball and John Stanley. The Michael Carrick look-a-like recently achieved a personal first by passing to feet and is believed to have the biggest backside in Southern Sunday Football League. Famously “lit up” the 2009 Buenner Cup by throwing himself onto a barbecue. Keeps himself in shape by taking unusual internet-only vitamin supplements. Big Ron says: “Gets the reducer in early doors – good lad.”

 

 

Aleks Turner (Defence)

Bunsen Burner

A new recruit. Comfortable anywhere across the back four displaying assurance and composure in the normally panic stricken environment of Albion’s defence. A keen student of current affairs he solemnly informed the squad earlier this season that Barry White has just died – just the 9 years after the actual event. Unsettled the Albion dressing room by admitting to a crush on Fatima Whitbread.

 

 

Will Slater (Fullback)

The Ginger Prince / Max / Bradley

Vice-captain and pseudo lad, Will effortlessly combines a cerebral demeanour with profane on-pitch tirades. Consistent performer with a scholarly ability to read the game, he evokes memories of Steve Nicol. Big Ron says: “Tell you what, he’s the best ginger left back in captivity.” Destroyed the opposition to become the Albion-Habitat 5 mile champion, although Dan believes a win over 5.1 miles would have been “more emphatic”. Holds the current world record for saying “yeah” in a one minute period..

 

 

Duncan Twigg (Defender)

Sandwich Muncher / Twiglet / The Horse

Duncan TwiggDuncan’s strong tackling and heading has added valuable steel to Albion’s defence. His aerial prowess is such that Big Ron believes an asteroid strike on Earth could be prevented if Duncan: “got up early and got enough on it.” He has also earned Big Ron’s approval by always having a couple of sandwiches to hand. Cemented his position as full back by destroying The Pavement’s toilet. Albion’s current goal kick specialist. Ignorant of Acid Jazz.

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Simon Abbott (Midfield/Defence)

Criminal Justice

Comfortable in midfield and defence, the lanky ball player has carved out a reputation as Albion’s greatest ever centre back [excluding cup games, double headers and games where Bill didn’t play]. The Ian Brown look-a-like is scared of hairdressers and controversially plays every game with a bird’s nest on his head.  Opponents should beware his razor blade like shoulders.

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Dave McPhee, (Midfield/Defence)

Northern / Naked

Dave McPheeLike Liam Neeson in Taken, Dave possesses ‘a very particular set of skills’ – in this case lightening slow pace, a handy line in scrappy goals, and a lethal late tackle. And like the film’s hero Dave promises: ‘I will look for you, I will find you…. probably with a 5 yard sideways pass’. Remains the only player in Albion history to have a position ‘the Dave role’ named after him. Has retired more times than Frank Sinatra. Invariably signs on again every September.

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Nick Evans (Midfield)

Kevin Bacon / Footloose / Doo Dah

Albion’s resident geezer, the Croydon Danny Dyer provides lairy and loutish behaviour on and off the pitch. Combines dribbling trickery with the World’s slowest step-over. Impressed Albion veterans by running the line whilst smoking a fag. Big Ron said: “Tell you what, I haven’t seen anything puffing up and down a line like that since Thomas the Tank Engine.” A gold card member of Inferno’s.

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Jindy Mann (Midfielder)

The Cricket Bat / Jindo Calrissian

Survived Brit-pop to become a ragged presence in Albion’s midfield engine room. A catalogue of injuries have required the Six Million Dollar Man to be entirely rebuilt from scratch. Currently tops the RSPCA most-wanted list for his crimes against squirrels. Big Ron says: “Does the old fashioned things well, heads the ball, kicks the ball…” Claims to abhor football fancy dans yet plays every match in a body heat modulating vest, tiger balm and half a tub of Vicks.

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James Rothwell (Midfield)

Bourne

James RothwellMystery surrounds this Albion signing. Fluent in seven languages, he uses a variety of aliases to travel the world and carry out assassinations for an, as yet, unknown government. Relaxes from the stresses of international espionage by putting in commanding midfield performances. 27 confirmed kills. Also know to be deadly at the back post, using sofisticated hand to hand combat moves.

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Donovan Thomas (Attacker)

The Donfather / The Don / Black Salmon

The Don provides bullish runs down the wings and valuable midfield goals, with trademark powerful finishes . Big Ron says: “I wouldn’t say he’s he best winger in the Southern Sunday, but there are none better.” Has been allowed to continue playing for the team despite wearing white boots and gloves. Abstains from alcohol solely to save enough money to supply the team tape. Unofficially the world’s best “Hooks” impersonator.

 

Will Carlile (Midfield)

The pocket dynamo has made high tempo midfield performances his trademark since joining the Albionisti, impressing Big Ron who says he, “Plays like he’s got a couple of ferrets in his shorts”. Currently holds the distinction of being the player most likely to turn up hungover. South London breakdancing champion.

Nick Milne (Midfield)

A spelling error cruelly denied this Albion recruit the opportunity to become the most capped England U-21 international of all time. His attempts to get back into the big time via the Southern Sunday Premiership succeeded with a big money move to Boca Juniors. Milne’s pre-match dietary routine raised eyebrows when he consumed a yoghurt in the changing room before the game. However, he won over the dressing room on an Albion night out by having women stashed in every bar in Clapham. Soon to be leaving the Albion to play the “Rainman” in a new west end production.

 

Joe Lambert (Midfield)

Tantastic / Joey Clapham

Living companion of Matt Garwood, fellow Northerner Joe brightens up Albion’s midfield with colourful performances a la David Dickinson. Fantastic on the ball, always looking for that killer pass whilst keeping his carefully coiffed hair in place. Gold card member at “Tantastic” on Clapham high street. Strangely has orange coloured hands?!

Ralph McBaiden (Midfield)

Buff Ralph

A rangy midfield presence who has come to cement a regular place in the team despite making the potentially career ending confession that he never reads the Gaffer’s emails. Astute  passing ability has earned him admirers within the squad as has his buff fragrant appearance which has quickly made him an unlikely pin-up for Dave McPhee.

 

Jade Barker (Attacker), Kaiser

The John Barnes

You stay classy, gaffer!

Developing a reputation as the Arsene Wenger of the Southern Sunday, the trim-meister has brought in revolutionary new concepts, such as warming up and stretching since taking over as manager. Famed for his stirring team talks drawn from classic literature and the Bible, he also rivals Fergie in the hairdryer treatment stakes. Appearances are fewer now but on the field he always leads by example. Big Ron says: “Defenders always know they’re in a game when he plays.”

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Rich Pemberton (Attacker)

King Tut

Richard PembertonRich is held together with sellotape so tightly bound he could be confused for an Egyptian Mummy. Combines a bulldozer physical presence with dribbiling ability and a deadly shot. Big Ron has been impressed by his attributes: “He has a right foot, a left foot, he even has a head.” Bastard like throw led a visibly awed Big Ron to say: “Tell you what I haven’t seen a catapualt like that since the siege of Troy.” Second only to Albion legend Neale Scott in sexual confidence.

 

 

Steve Leslie (Forward)

Benjamin Button

Steve LeslieThe veteran striker proves the old adage that while form may be temporary class is permanent. Reminiscent of a latter era Teddy Sheringham, the striker likes to join up play and seems to be getting better with age. The secret of his youthfullness has yet to be discovered although Dan Roberts remains suspicious that Steve may be employing the same age-defying diet as Sheringham.

 

 

Jonny Hobson (Midfield/Forward)

Livewire attacker who combines a bustlingly physical presence with not just pace, but with what Big Ron is keen to describe as “real pace”. Is quickly establishing himself as the heir to Albion legends Neale Scott and Dan Roberts as the squad’s leading referee baiter. Curiously becomes more northern when remonstrating with referees and, in moments of high agitation, performs jumping jacks in front of officials to inform them of the poverty of their decisions.

 

 

 

 

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