Jindy Mann

Midfield

Mann: "Like a breakdancing Bruce Lee"

Courtesy of his sponsors Lucozade Sport ™, Jindy reveals how he stays isotonically hydrated, his business plan for the Albion, and why exactly he wears that vest. We get the facts. Fast.

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Name: Jindy S Mann

Nickname: The Cricket Bat

Age: 30

Height: 5’ 10”

Previous clubs: Henry Gotch FC, Werrington Wanderers, AC BARM, Kettering Punjab United, Kettering Park Hotel (5-a-side), ExxonMobil FC, PSV Clapham

Club you support: Liverpool

Favourite food: Anything my mum cooks. Curried ochre is a favourite.

Favourite film: Tough one. Goodfellas, Heat, The Bourne Identity, The Godfather, Gladiator.

Favourite TV programme: Match of the Day.

Favourite player: Diego Maradona. There’s yet to be a player who has single handedly lifted teams to glory – Argentina in 1986 (and almost again in ’90 and ’94) and Napoli. A true natural talent and deserving of the title ‘genius’.

Player you are most like: Edgar Davids. No flashy stuff, just a bundling and ragged presence between the boxes. Jaap Stam might call me “a busy little cvnt”.

Do you have any non Albion nicknames: Pacino, Mowgli, Mr. Mann

Best subject at school: English.

Superstitions: Unfounded belief structures that have no place in modern football.

Career highlight: Winning the league and cup double with Albion in 2008/09

Favourite music: Not an aficionado so anything from indie (Oasis, Charlatans, Doves) to chill out (Rae & Christian, Thievery Corporation), to old school rock (Pink Floyd, The Who).

Other job: Management Consultant

As a management consultant how would you reorganise Albion in order to best achieve success?
Any good consultant knows that this requires either a 3, 5 or 10-point plan, preferably presented on a one-page slide. My Albion 5-point plan would be:

1. Honing – Implement a Lean program to remove inefficiency in the recurring processes that Albion are engaged in. This would mean ensuring Jon Roberts visits the john before he leaves home, thus removing the need for a 15-minute excursion to Caffe Nero and the purchase of their cheapest drink in order to obtain a PIN code for the toilets. It would also include post-match drinks at a venue where the publican can reserve seating, provide good food and have our drinks ready for us at 12pm avoiding wastage in queuing and ordering.

2. Youth – A new youth HR policy would by employed, aimed at securing long-term growth and benefits, with an expected payback period of 5-years. The academy would be named Albion Youth, with all new recruits given a brown-shirted kit and a copy of Jade’s autobiography (‘My Struggle’). The first set of recruits would come from a media link up with Channel 4 to produce a weekly reality show in which young South Londoners compete for entry into the Youth, in the style of ‘The Apprentice’ (working title: ‘I’m a Good Footballer, Get Me Out of Here!’, potentially presented by Danny Dyer). The viewing figures would add to brand value and awareness, with potential audiences of millions tuning in each week to see young wannabes trying to outdo each other in challenges such as the Jon Roberts Gyrating Stretch, and The Dave McPhee Ballbag Volley. NB: this reality show would be part of the Albion media strategy, spearheaded by a weekly reality show on the first-team squad (working title: ‘Ultimate Albion’. Ross Kemp has already agreed to be the presenter).

3. Expansion – Building the brand and revenue generation is critical to future success. This would mean taking Albion global, starting with an Albion merchandise Megastore on Clapham High Street selling replica shirts (‘Mann, 8’ likely to sell in massive volumes) and an annual club cover version (‘Albion Roads’, ‘Hey Jade’ etc.). Albion Cafes will be part of Phase 2, introducing Albion branded Kronenburg and schnitzel to untapped growth markets such as China and India (spin-offs could include a ‘David Scampese’ scampi restaurant in Australia). A controversial ’19th game’ would be proposed, played on remote, foreign soil (e.g. North London). The club would, however, continue to eschew sponsorship and carry the Habitat for Humanity logo as part of an ongoing Corporate Social Responsibility charter. This would include changing the motto to ‘Mes Que Une Club’ and making Clapham an independent socialist republic.

4. Nurturing – A new fitness and training regime would be employed to maximise the return from existing heritage assets (i.e. the Albion players). The club would employ Sammy Lee to orchestrate fitness and warm-ups with Gordon Ramsay employed as Dietician and Assistant Manager in order to deliver hairdryer treatment when required. ProZone would be installed allowing for computer analysis and verification of already known facts (e.g. least yards covered in 90 minutes – Vilem). Finally, a comprehensive pre-season program would be installed. The Bunner Cup would be retained, but supplemented by traditional training camps in Switzerland, Thailand and La Manga where footballer high jinks would be controlled in Dutch-style policing by actually providing clean supplies of fire extinguishers, individual golf clubs and ladyboys.

5. Administration – Apply appropriate governance to the club and its management by installing Roger as Executive Chairman and Director of Football. Supplemented by myself and Will as non-executive board members, Roger would oversee Jade’s performance as manager and monitor the RAG status (Red, Amber, Green) of other Key Performance Indicators such as Dan Robert’s bookings (less than 10 = Green), Offsides Per Game for Reuben (Green = less than 2 per minute) and Opposition Limb Damage Rate for Stew Lauder. It would also enable us to release press statements such as “Jade has our full support. We expect him to see us through this difficult period” and “It is with great regret that we announce Jade’s separation from the club. The board will convene to discuss possible successors – we can confirm that contact HAS been made with Ron Atkinson.”

The 5-point strategy (Honing, Youth, Expansion, Nurturing, Administration) will be known as the HYENA Plan.

How do you psyche yourself up for Albion games: Standard pre-match music has to be ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ – gets the Fury going.

Please explain the performance enhancing aspects of your heat modulating vest/vapor rub: The adidas™ ProDrive vest is ergonomically designed to provide a 5% increase in muscle stability, allowing me to respond on the pitch. Quicker. Stronger. Better. With the adidas™ ProDrive vest, anything is possible. adidas – Impossible is Nothing ™.

Who will win Euro 2008: Germany. All the signs are there. Poland have fallen, the Swiss are neutralised and the Americans can’t join in this one.

Best piece of footballing advice: ‘Ask yourself, how good a player are you when you haven’t got the ball?’. Also, ‘Get the reducer in early doors’. I’m a great believer in psychology and nothing lifts your team like a good old ‘man and ball’ tackle, and it makes the opposition think twice too.

Favourite football game of all-time: No question – that chilly night in Istanbul in 2005, Liverpool 3 – AC Milan 3. You could also throw in Argentina 2 – 1 Nigeria in USA 94, Netherlands 6 – 1 Yugoslavia in Euro 2000, and Liverpool 3 – 3 Man United in 1994.

Favourite drink: Lucozade Sport ™. It’s proven to enhance physical endurance, giving you the edge that can be the difference in winning or losing. Lucozade Sport ™ – Gets to your thirst. Fast.

Albion are stranded on a desert island, Lord of the Flies/Lost style. What happens:

Day 0 – Jon Roberts immediately goes feral, running into the jungle tearing his clothes off, and heading for the mushroom fields. Craig inevitably buys it early doors, when he is mysteriously crushed by a falling boulder, pushed from the cliff overlooking the beach. The only clue is a distant voice shouting “Take THAT on the ribs!”. The remainder of the squad hunt for food and shelter, with Dan giving up after half an hour declaring “it’s fvcking bullshit, can’t find an offy anywhere”. They build a goal and play Crossbar Challenge for the rest of the day.

Day 1 – Jade attempts to impose some level of order, producing his battered travel copy of The Count of Monte Cristo. “We’ve got to have discipline, boys” he says, removing his belt and wrapping it into a lash. Much later, attempts to build shelter flounder when Bill asks the team to build a wall, with Jindy, Will and Guy standing 10 yards apart from each other and repeatedly screaming “HOW MANY? HOW MANY???” at Bill.

Day 2 – James produces a small homing beacon which was sewn underneath the skin on his lower back. Fashioning a radio transmitter from some driftwood and Craig’s crushed spectacles, he makes a call: “Big Bear, Big Bear, this is Goldilocks, over. Operation Treadstone is an abort, I repeat, an abort. Request immediate evac”. Within 2 minutes a chopper of Navy Seals appears and airlifts ‘James’ off the beach in the middle of a 5-a-side game. The ground clearing napalm deployed by the Seals catches the unfortunate Reuben who is standing several yards offside. Dan is booked by Jade for complaining.

Day 3 – Jade announces the start of pre-season training, having the squad do shuttle runs to collect bamboo from the jungle. Greg takes 5 minutes to come back from his shuttle run, covered in blood – but not his own. He is unable to explain, only manically gasping “The Beast…. The Beast!” Frustrated at the regime, Jindy engineers a breakaway announcing that his tribe, The Albion Reich, will inhabit the inner island and will conquer The Beast. Dave, Dan, John Stanley and Duncan join the Reich, although somehow Duncan is totally paralytic and doesn’t really understand what he is joining. Stew, Will, Don, Bill and Vilem join Jade’s tribe, The Trim Kings. Neale announces he is retiring from the island. He swims back an hour later saying he’ll “give it another go”.

Day 4 – The Albion Reich go hunting for The Beast but instead find a herd of wild boar. Jindy immediately slide tackles the biggest one, killing it instantly. Dave rips the boar to pieces putting the head on a spear and insisting on keeping the fleshy rump for his own use. The speared head is placed in the jungle as a warning to The Trim Kings. However, they are now living peacefully on the beach. Stew has quarried enough granite to build a comfortable bungalow and Vilem has collected enough coconut milk to wash his hair. Will is tutting, shaking his head and continuing to read Plato’s ‘Republic’.

Day 5 – The Reich play The Trim Kings in a friendly match, which ends in a tedious draw. Neale is infuriated and storms off the pitch announcing his retirement. Both tribes blame each other and descend into a bloody battle. From nowhere, Matt Greensmith appears and proclaims the scene “Bad Albion” whilst wearing a peach evening dress. The Trim Kings annihilate almost all of The Reich, clubbing them to death with stone tablet copies of The Count of Monte Cristo. Jindy retreats to a bunker in the jungle, refusing to admit defeat and issuing orders to imaginary divisions of The Albion Reich. Later, his head is also found on a spike with a teabag in his mouth. Neale reappears with a new sink, declaring himself available for selection if required.

Day 6 – The remaining members of Albion relax on the beach under the peaceful state now established on the island. Suddenly, a blood soaked Jon Roberts bursts out of the jungle dressed only in a loin cloth made of human skin, screaming wild eyed “I AM THE MUSHROOM GOD!”. What happens next is horrific as Jon tears into the people on the beach, ripping them limb from limb, eventually cradling a collection of their polished skulls.

Day 28 – ‘James’ returns to the island in a biochemical suit to check the damage done by the Treadstone virus he accidentally unleashed. He and the Navy Seals find only the gaunt Jon Roberts, his head dripping with blood, muttering “The horror…. The horror….”

Pre-match meal: Cereal, banana, Lucozade Sport ™

Favourite football pundit: Ronald Frederick Atkinson. In a politically correct age where TV pundits are loathe to say anything mildly controversial or interesting, here was a man who would call a spade a spade. The father of the language of modern punditry, Ronglish, now being bastardised by your Pleats, your Grays, your Redknapps and other plurals. People also forget that he actually won the Rumbelows Cup in 1991.

Most annoying Southern Sunday ref: The League Chairman, the same guy who gave Dan the hairdryer for “looking at him funny”. He once balled me out BEFORE a game for not showing enough haste in collecting our ref from the officials dressing rooms.

Like Stan Boardman and Freddy Starr, you seem to have rather a rather unhealthy fascination with the Third Reich. Please explain your interest?
Naturally, I find the actions and philosophy of the Third Reich abhorrent and appalling. As a pseudo-Roman empire though, you have to admire the power structures, the discipline and the smart uniforms. What would we have done without the war to shape several generations of British comedy and provide the basis of our humour? And they had the trains running on time too.

Pin-up: If I had to pick one, Natalie Imbruglia.

Pick your all-time greatest team: Jamie Carragher x 11. Ha, no, seriously: Schmeichel in goal. Back four: Cafu, Cannavaro, Baresi and Maldini. Midfield: Zidane, Dunga, Platini, Maradona. Up front: Kenny Dalglish in the hole behind Ronaldo (the proper Brazilian one). Subs: Grobelaar, Keane, Souness, Bergkamp and Romario.

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