Stewart Lauder


Stewart LauderAlbion’s 2008/2009 “Player of the Year” reveals why wearing his vest is like heroin, the best way to put down a pro-boxer, and the art of the “man and ball” tackle.




Name: Stewart Lauder
Nickname: Carrick

Age: 25

Height:6 ft

Previous clubs: Grove Boys, Goytre Town, Usk AFC, Newport Cosmos.

Club you support: Coventry/Glasgow Rangers

Favourite food: Italian, in particular a Calzone pizza.

Favourite film: Carlito’s Way, Dead Man’s Shoes, Zatoichi, Human Traffic and True Romance

Favourite TV programme: Soccer Am (pre Goldstein), Match of the Day, Harry Hill’s TV Burp and Family Guy.

Favourite player: Colin Hendry. The “man and ball” tackle was never properly appreciated until he revealed the true beauty in the art.

Player you are most like: A mixture between Matt Elliott and David Rennie.

Do you have any non Albion nicknames: Carrick, Big Stew.

Best subject at school: Geography.

Superstitions: None. None, of that fairy shite.

Career highlight: Playing Maltese champions Valetta, they were due to play Barry Town in a champions league qualifier (99-00) a Wednesday. For a warm-up they gave Usk AFC an un-official friendly on the Monday. I did a good job marking the striker and we only lost 3-0. They only beat Barry 3-2.

Tell us a little known/interesting fact about yourself: I’ve given enough for free already.

Favourite music: Paul Weller, The Jam, The Clash, Oasis, Kasabian, Gil Scott Heron, Eryka Badu, Jill Scott, Bob Marley, Jamiroquia, any soulful US House.

Other job: Estimator for an Architectural Ironmongery company.

How do you psyche yourself up for Albion games: Visualize. I run through the last game in my head recounting tackles made and then visualize the next game with me making a ridiculous amount of tackles. Psychology David James would be proud of.

Please explain the performance enhancing aspects of your heat modulating vest: Keeps me warm on those cold winter morning, how I’d imagine Heroin to feel if I ever dabbled. Although not as moorish.

If you had a sister, which Albiones would you not you let her date and why: Got to be fair your all a sorry looking bunch, so no real worries there.

Who will win Euro 2008: Germany, no brainer.

Best piece of footballing advice: During my South East Wales days, we played the notoriously naughty side Pontypool in a top of the table clash. I was 17 at the time and the manager knew I enjoyed the “man and ball” tackle. He came out with the following (in the thickest valleys accent), “If you’re going to nail the number 9 make sure the fvcker stays down, as he’s a semi-pro boxer and if he gets up we’re all fvcked”. Sound advice.

Favourite football game of all-time: ’87 FA cup final, amazing wing play by Dave Bennett. Although, Scotland V France during the last qualifiers is a close second.

Favourite drink: Strictly Green Tea and Water during the week, Jack Daniels and Carling on the weekend.

You are a harsh critic of professional footballers abilities. Can you name 3 English players who you actually rate:
Paul Scholes – Pure Class.
Jamie Carragher- Was a donkey, now one of the best centre halves in Europe.
2 is more than enough.

Pre-match meal: Four Weetabix, Green Tea and a Shake of this.

Favourite football pundit: Andy Gray. His “kiss and tell” story in the ever reliable NOTW, was legendary. After allegedly getting his business done inside 3 minutes, he asked the blonde to dress in his old Villa kit whilst he talked her through his own career highlights compilation. A man after my own heart.

Most annoying Southern Sunday ref: That little fvcking cretin Carlos, booking me for for “appealing violently and aggressively”. Arsenal would have lost all 4 defenders every week if he’d had referred during the Graham years.

Pin-up: Scarlett Johansson

Pick your all-time greatest team: Steve Ogrizovic, Cafu, Marcel Desailly, Colin Hendry, Paolo Maldini, Zinedine Zidane, Gazza, Gary McAllister, Brian Laudrup, Thierry Henry, Ally McCoist

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