How to converse with an Albiones, including Jonglish and Stanleyisms

“Got any f*cking sandwiches?…”

Ballbag; adj. (sl.), used to describe something or someone that is unappealing or unsatisfactory, coined by D. McPhee circa 2005 (see also: Total ballbag; Ultimate Ballbag)

Total ballbag; adj. (sl.), the official correct retort to a mention of “Ballbag”, first used in Buenner in 2006 (D. Roberts)

Ultimate Ballbag; n., favourite television programme of D. Roberts and J. Mann starring Ross Kemp as John Ballbag, a former marine commando who runs a comedic business (e.g. a hair salon) as elaborate cover for his real profession of undercover detective

Suck my balls; musical, used in an Albion anthem preceded by a name, names or place e.g. “Ron Atkinson… suck my balls!”, first used in Buenner in 2006

Keep the sheets clean; quote, footballing directive intended to avoid concession of a goal during play, coined by Stanley (J.) circa 2005

It’s kitchen sink time; quote, footballing directive intended to inspire concentration in order to keep the sheets clean, coined by Stanley (J.) circa 2005

This is good/not bad/alright; desc., used to describe anything in a fairly vague or insipid fashion, coined by Tim Wright circa when he was born

Sexually confident; adj. (colloq.) used by Neale Scott to describe Neale Scott, first known use in Buenner in 2006

Too much fookin’ Weetabix; quote, declamatory statement used to explain the unintentional use of excessive force in a shot or pass. Coined by G. Clark in Buenner, 2006.

Suck it!; quote, (colloq.) impassioned declaration, used in moments of high emotion to convey irritation towards match officials in a manner unlikely to incur a second booking. First known usage K. Dunan, 2005.

Got any f*cking sandwiches/beers/love rats/<insert person or item>?; quote, (colloq.) humorous reference to quote from disgraced pundit Big Ron, used to question availability of a person or item in an unnecessarily vulgar and boorish fashion. First adapted by J. Mann on 2006 World Cup T-shirt. Date of original use unknown.

I’m arriving!; quote, footballing declaration intended to inform teammates of a player’s pending arrival, usually at the back stick (far post) or in the mixer (penalty area), the aim being to induce a pass into said location. First used by J. Mann in Buenner, 2006. Adapted from original term “arrive” from disgraced pundit Big Ron (see Albion Links for Ronglish page).

Teabagging; verb (colloq.), habitual practice favoured by J. Roberts on unsuspecting comatose teammates, first used in Buenner, 2006. Induced retaliatory action of Roman helmetting from J. Mann. See for details.

Pseudo-lad; adj. (pers.), mildly derogative term used to describe an individual of above average intelligence who indulges in juvenile, base or feral activities (e.g. football and socialising with Albion FC). First used by girlfriend of Will Slater to describe Will Slater.

Are you good on crosses?; quote, question used only when speaking to Spanish lad called Jesus. Not to be mistaken for the bearded bloke who died for the sake of John Stanley outside of the right foot passes. First used by J. Stanley in 2005 and never used since.

Count of Monte Cristo; (Albion literature) inspirational tale of betrayal, revenge and unrequited love, used by Jade Barker to galvanise Albion squad after memorable away victory over Sir James Barrie Academics (2006), where the sheets were also kept clean. Jaw dropping reaction. Now used as a euphemism for winning against the odds (“Doing a Count”).

Victory Grows Through Harmony; (quote) rousing Jade Barker battlecry delivered by SMS on eve of a league game against Brixton Town. Ultimately unsuccessful but has become a watchword for Albiones spirit ever since. First used by J. Barker on 16th December 2006 at 4.06pm.

David Scampese; (place) Australian scampi restaurant planned by John Roberts. Conceived after several Kronenbourg in The Alex, Januray 2007. See also: Scampi Goes To Hollywood (J. Mann) and Lady And The Scamp (N. Scott).

Sex Hyenas; (n.) term coined by D. Roberts (2007) as collective noun for Albiones in predatory mode, usually when huddled around an unsuspecting teammate (a “gnu”) in a feeding frenzy of deviant acts. The mob mentality effect has been compared to ‘Lord of the Flies’, due to the breakdown of social norms. See also: teabagging, Roman Helmetting.

Dirty Trombone; (v.) deviant sex act involving rimming combined with vigorous hand relief. Generates considerable debate amongst Albiones, namely what is a Trombone compared to a Dirty Trombone?

Dirty Chapman; (v.) coined by Mann, Roberts and Rigby (2007) in reference to the notion of a person pulling a shirt over their heads in celebration then stumbling face first on to a pile of horse manure on a country road.

Dirty Pope; (v.) coined by Mann and Wright (2007) in reference to the notion of exiting an airplane and kneeling to the runway tarmac in order to vomit.

Cvnt Card; (n.) coined by D. Roberts in reference to Albion tour sport invented by D. Roberts and J. Mann, involving the attempt to blow a playing card off an opponents forehead whilst using gratuitous profanity.

Cvnt Cash; (n.) as Cvnt Card but using a 10 Euro note.

Twat Bucket; (n.) coined by Mann in reference to Albion tour sport involving the attempt to cleanly bounce a football into a bucket. Relevance of ‘Twat’ unknown.

Penis Coin; (n.) Albion tour sport introduced by Mann involving the attempt to drop a pound coin into a fellow Albiones drink resulting in rapid imbibing of said drink. Relevance of ‘Penis’ unknown.

Fly’s Eyes; (n.) practice of squeezing male genitalia to mimick the eyes of a fly, usually followed by teabagging. Introduced by G. Clark in 2007.

Other Coloured; (adj.) term coined in Buenner by ignorant Aryan Timberlake lookalike to describe J. Mann (2007).

Bad Albion; (adj.) term used to collectively describe Albiones in predatory deviant mode (see Sex Hyenas). Coined by M. Greensmith in 2007 whilst wearing a pumpkin coloured dress.

Albion Shandy; (n.) traditional pilsner based Albion tour drink first created in 2006, considered a delicacy in Buenner. Usually produced only once a year. Renowned for distinctive nutty flavour and asparagus aroma. Traditionally served lukewarm.

Summon the devil; (Albion religion) “Sunday is God’s day. And sometimes, to do God’s work, you need to summon the devil.” Biblical battle cry issued by Jade Barker before 4-0 win which ended 6 game run of defeats.

Good D!; (adj) American saying denoting successful efforts to “keep the sheets clean”. First known usage Bill Blaney 2008.

Al-bee-on; (n.) Confusing US translation of Albion. First known usage Bill Blaney 2008.

Doing a Getafe; (quote.) The name given to a particularly lengthy post-match drinking session. Named after the experience of rousing yourself from a drunken stupor, to find yourself watching Sky’s late night coverage of La Liga involving two middling Spanish sides. Should never be attempted during Kronenbourg promotions.

Showering on different floors; (quote.) Euphemism inferring ambiguity over a person’s sexuality. E.g “He showers on different floors if you know what I mean.” Coined after unusual bathing habits displayed by The Craig (Valencia 2008).

Monkey conga; (noun.) Standard conga style dance with primates substituted for humans. Conga orginating from from all male Albion chain dance first performed in Cafe Madrid. Relevance of monkey not known. Coined by J. Mann and D. Roberts in Valencia 2008.

Four horse dog fight; (quote.) Jonglish used to descibe a group of football teams involved in a hard fought attempt to avoid relegation. Derived from an ugly mangling of two common similies indicating close competition. First known usuage Will Slater.

Energy Factory II; (film) As yet unmade film sequel featuring the Albion. Despite the absence of plot, script or any discernable Hollywood interest, there has still been much debate over which Oscar-winning actors will play each team member. Film historians may wish to note that Energy Factory I is in fact a German wind-farm, and not a, erm, film.

Post ball: (n.)  A game centred around attempts to hit a post with a ball. Origin of the name post ball unknown.

Dirty Attenborough: (n.) Term used to describe the use of profane language whilst talking about animals.

Upper ninety: (n.) American term for what is widely known throughout the football playing world as the “top corner”. First known usage Bill Blaney.

Onbelievable; (adj.) superlative used to describe something as beyond belief. E.g. “It’s 5-0 to Stockport now. Onbelievable Jeff! Totally emphatic.” Similar to ‘unbelievable’, normally used after several schnapps. First known use by Neale Scott in 2008.

Dunc injection: (v.) Term used to describe an attempt to remedy an underwhelming or disappointing situation by introducing Duncan Hale. For example, “This party/project/game requires a Dunc injection.”

Traditional South London team: (n.) Peculiar attempt at finding a politically correct way of describing a team made up of players who are “other coloured” [see above]. First known usage, traditional South London team player Jade Barker, 2009.

The Dave role: (n.) (tactics) Specific Albion holding midfielder position, made distinct due to its requirement for ‘lightning slow’ pace and agricultural tackling. Originally named after arch proponent Dave McPhee, becoming unique due to the preference for not playing Dave McPhee in the Dave Role, despite the lack of other Daves in the squad.

Dirty Cupcake: (v.) Eerie Welsh practice of sneaking up on an unsuspecting victim with a cupped hand full of recently expunged bodily methane. First described by Stew Lauder in 2010. Not to be confused with the delicious cupcakes created by Lucy Taylor, responsible for Vilem’s pot belly.

Bench flipper: (n) Term used to describe players who do not use the same spot in the changing room to get ready for matches. The term is most frequently used as a euphemism for questioning someone’s sexual preferences, e.g “Are you one of them bench flippers?” A tendency to “flip” from bench to bench being widely seen as an accurate predictor of bisexuality. First known usage Jade Barker 2010.

Agatha Christie ref: (n) A phrase used to describe a referee with a tendency to give unusual decisions or with an ability to contrive controversy from seemingly innocuous incidents. The reference to the noted mystery writer indicating the officials ability to introduce sudden and unexpected twists into the game. For example, “He’s one of them Agatha Christie refs, there’s always another twist with him.” First known usuage Jade Barker 2010.

Stevie Wonder ball: (n) A potentially confusing term for non-Albion linguists. The casual fan may assume that the term refers to a pass which appeared to have been played by a blind man. A not uncommon sight for seasoned Albion observers. However, in fact the phrase describes a perfectly directed pass, one which in the words of the great songsmith is “signed, sealed and delivered”. Only known usuage: Jade Barker 2011.

Sausage muncher: (verb, noun, adj) Another confusing term in the Albion lexicon due to its myriad uses and meanings. Initially a mild homophobic insult the term has expanded in usuage to become be both an insult and a term of affection. Can also be used as a verb and collective noun describing a group of Albion players. Continual known usuage Vilem Palac.

Agricultural: (v) Style of football characterised by scrappy interrupted play, robust tackles (see ‘Reducer’), dogged determination and application of ‘the dark arts’. First used as a pre-match war cry by J. Mann in 2010. Repeated regularly, usually prior to facing ‘skill merchants’ or ‘speed merchants’.

Disco fox: (n) A siren like temptress seen once a year at the Buenner Cup’s post tournament disco. The nefarious vixen hypnotises Albiones and other assembled British players with her feminine wiles before pouring cold water – literally and figuratively – over those hopes and getting off with the German DJ. Much like a Jindy Mann free kick she promises much but delivers little. First known usage Buenner 2011.

Arse ball: (n) Football based game popularised in Buenner 2011 by Barny Day. The game involves keeping the ball continuously in the air or with an agreed number of bounces. Failure to keep the ball in the air, or make sufficient effort to keep it in the air, is punished by the gradual spelling of the word arse. Upon completion of the word penalty kicks are taking at said players posterior.

Sex panther: (n) a pungent, eucalyptus based rub, of mysterious Asian origin and dubious legality. Sex panther has a wide range of uses from relieving muscular pain to heightening sensation during BDSM sexual activity. It is not currently clear which of these uses are the reason for its increasingly popularity in the Albion changing room.

“You can’t do better than go away from home and get a draw.”

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