The Albion FC

We met at the designated rendezvous point for away games The Alex. Despite this being the official away game departure point for the Albion some other upstart Sunday side had decided to use the same location for their pre-game meet. Is nothing sacred in football anymore?

Some things don’t change though. Kasabian was on the stereo in the Gaffer’s trim mobile. Despite boasting of a 4,000 strong CD collection Jade only seems to keep two Cds in his car, Led Zepplin and the Kasabian. Think I’m going to kill myself if I hear Kashmir again.

Evans: Definitely not hungover.

Unfortunately, not in the convoy was Nick Evans. He’d been brought low by a dodgy curry. Apparently much to his surprise the out-of-date fish curry with side order of salmonella rice had left him glued to a toilet seat. He was at pains to point out that his absence had absolutely nothing remotely to do with his Facebook update the previous evening:

“Looking forward to cvnted with the lads. Turbo shandies are on me”

But as the Jade likes to say, no point talking about the people who aren’t here, they can’t help.

Anyway we arrived at Merton to find Vil and Si waiting for us astride the Harley. Always remind me My Private Idaho with River Phoenix and Keanu.

Not much to report from the changing room banter this week.

Gaffer announced the line-up. Bill – Will, Stew, Barny, Dunc – Dave – Jindy, Simon, Don – Vilem – Rich. Myles and Steve on the bench. This was a 4-1-3-1-1. Maybe one day we could play with a sweeper and make the formation a more symmetrical 1-3-1-3-1-1.

Match started. The game was pretty poor from the get go. We seemed very flat and largely incapable of stringing any decent passes together. Lots of scrappy play, competing for headers and chasing second ball.

Merton were lively up front. A biggish guy through the middle and a couple of tricky wingers on either side. Duncan had has hands full with their left winger. Overall Merton were nothing special, however, we were struggling desperately to get out of first gear.

It was shaping up to be a pretty non descript first half. Dave had a couple of shots – shanked wide as per normal. Barny had a header tipped over which proved again that he is never destined to score for Albion.

Twigg: Gave it the laces full gun

But then a moment of quality which will live long in the memory. The ball was rolled into Dave, who flicked it first time with the outside of his boot towards the right wing and into the onrushing path of Duncan. Without breaking his stride the Twigg-ernator lashed the ball from 25 yards harder than the Marquis de Sade at a fetish party. Trailing flames in its wake the ball travelled on a perfect flat trajectory just six inches above the ground. The Merton keeper need never prove his bravery again after attempting to stop the ball with his hands. Luckily for his safety he failed to make contact and the ball crashed into the net ripping net and posts from the ground. A clearly psyched Twigg executed a mini-Tardelli celebration. 1-0 Albion.

Half-time.

There was agreement that we needed to crank it up a few gears. However, when the second half began we were clearly still stuck in first. More scrappy play from everyone and little quality passing.

Not quite sure of the sequence of events here. But think Merton then had a shot from distance which cannoned off the bar. Then the equaliser. A high ball was played into the box. Barny and the opposition winger were underneath it. Didn’t really look like Bill had to come for it, but it ended in a terrible mess and the Merton player was able to sweep the ball into the net while everyone else lay collapsed in a heap on the turf. 1-1.

Abbott: Denied goal

Half an hour to go. Plenty of time to sort ourselves out. Despite the generally poor play Jindy had been swinging in dangerous free kicks and corners all game. Finally Simon got on the end of one his free kicks and headed the ball into the net. 2-1. Or so we thought. Unfortunately, the homer linesman had other ideas and stuck his flag up for offside. The referee bought it and chalked the goal off. Cheating lino mother lover.

Jade made some subs with Steve and Myles coming on for Don and Vilem.

Merton’s second came from another high ball into the box. They slung one in as we were pushing out. I tracked the runner into the box. I have to hold my hand up for this one. I probably could have done a bit more to stop the header. If I didn’t think I could win it I should have tried to get away with a foul. Too late now. Their forward won the header. 2-1.

About 10 minutes left in the game and there was still time for some pointless aggro. Merton weren’t shy of a tackle, but unfortunately one of those teams with some right moaners in who objected to being tackled back. Duncan executed a full blooded tackle on the Merton skipper cleanly, and clearly winning the ball. The referee didn’t seem inclined to give anything but seemed to be swayed by the Merton bitching, booking Duncan for dissent after he said: “He ran into me after I kicked the ball.” Or something like that. Farce.

We then went three at the back in search of the equaliser. Unfortunately, we weren’t the team to grab the next goal. With players committed to the attack Merton broke away and their forward was able to belt one in from just outside the area. Not much you can do about those ones, Clive.

Full time. 3-1.