Archive for category Cup Games


With a loss and a draw under their belt Albion came out on the pitch on Sunday morning hungry for a win, and like a post-match Bodean’s that hunger was satisfied.

Carlile : “Sean, you sure this is what Stew meant by “making a wall”.

Albion were quick off the mark and within the first 5 minutes won a free kick on the right wing. South stepped up and delivered a ball that was reminiscent of Ronaldinho’s looper against Seaman in the 2002 World Cup, except whereas Seaman saw the ball float over his head the Bath Old Boys keeper seemed to just let it run through him as if he never even existed, which he might as well not have done. 1-0 to Albion.

Minutes later history repeated itself, this time Carlile looped in the dead ball. Woody flicked it back towards none other than Albion centre back Stewart Lauder who poked it home. The last time Stewart Lauder scored Jagger was top of the charts, Uber was just a silly German word and WAP was the height of technology. Lauder himself will be quick to tell you he went on to score in 2 consecutive weeks after that, so watch this space I suppose.

Albion controlled the play in the centre of the park for the remainder of the half with the wing backs and midfield linking well but failed to convert chances up top so the half ended Albion 2 Bath Old Boys 0.

Second half saw Albion pick up where they left with a nice move as Joliffe, absolutely relishing his new role as right back, found Woody in the middle of the park who fed a through ball to Carlile who kept his cool and slotted past the keeper.

Minutes later Carlile could’ve doubled his tally when a beautifully weighted and precision through ball came from defence (rumours have it the ball came from Lauder but these have been unfounded) he rounded the keeper but was cleared off the line by Uncle Fester who was disguising himself as the opposition centre back.

The fourth and final nail in the Bath Old Boy’s coffin was hammered home by Albion’s veteran goal scorer, Steve Leslie. A nice piece of link up play by Baxendale and Marc Ferrer led to the Spanish recruit finding Leslie at the back post, the crowd gasped in anticipation of the upcoming pile driver that was about to be delivered but no, the Clapham Casanova took a different approach and kept it low and clinical (much like his approach to the London dating scene) and found the back of the net, again much like he does on the London dating scene.

Man of the Match and Henri Leconte was an easy one this week as Sean Holden put in a fine display in centre midfield. Keeping the ball and moving it well, proving all those chai latte’s and “downward dogs” have been worth it. His yoga retreats may be silent but his football is anything but.

Devon’s answer to Ravi Shankar also picked up the Henri Leconte award for completing his first ever Albion, and perhaps career, 90 minutes without injury not even his spine, knee, elbow, back, ear or hair were damaged. Well done lad.

No Comments


To round out the September fixtures Albion took on the curiously named Wig Army in the Marcus Lipton Cup.  With two leagues and presumably thus at least 8 places separating them Albion were favourites, although were dealt an early blow through the absence of Player/Manager Stewart Lauder prior to the warm up. thebus

Rumours were abound as to the cause of Lauder’s Karanka-esque no-show but a representative from a leading ride-sharing website suggested that he ‘might have been drunk’.  Jade Barker and the Albion FC board have yet to comment whether Lauder would be subject to the strict playing staff code of conduct, in particular the section reading…

‘If anyone dropouts after 12 (midday, you cheeky f*ckers) on Saturday, without a viable reason, they will also be excluded from the next weeks squad.’

Which Lauder had embarrassingly emblazoned on a bus during pre-season.

Despite this sideshow Albion had a match to play and started relatively brightly, quickly nullifying Wig Army’s rather one dimensional long ball strategy.  After 20 minutes Albion got into their grove, passing the ball well and starting to create space down the flanks.  The pressure quickly paid off with a ball from the right breaking to Tim Groundwater who lashed into the left side of the goal from 12 yards out for his first ever Albion goal.

Buoyed by breaking the deadlock Albion turned on the style, with a beautiful flowing passing move down the left end up at the feet of Tom South, who promptly introduced the ball to the net.  Not done for the first half, target man Baxendale’s looping header beat the keeper but hit the underside of the bar, but fortunately South was on hand to put the rebound away.

Long time fans of Albion FC will know that like Bonnie Tyler, every now and then we fall apart.  We promptly did this for the last 10 minutes of the first half and were lucky to survive unscathed from multiple rounds of penalty box pinball.  However at half time it was 3-0.

A pattern was quickly established in the second half as Wig continued to launch long balls akin to a ~Russian~ Ukrainian separatist soldier in Sevastapol.  Albion, content to absorb this pressure and launch counter attacks, were constantly dangerous but were unable to convert, with Baxendale once again acting cupid for ball and crossbar before eventually slotting the fourth and final goal.

Albion will face tougher tests this season but, should he continue his tenure as Albion coach, Lauder will be impressed with a professional performance and will hope Albion can take this form to get their first points in the league next week.

MoM: This week was a close run thing, but taken by Matt McManus for his ‘1000’ headers.  Marcus Fletcher came second with 2 votes with spare votes also for Aleks and Nick.

H/L – GOES go to Lauder for his failure to read the email and turn up on time, but more than one vote also went to Aleks for matching his boots to the red kit.  About as conspicuous as Taribo West at  an EDL rally – fair point.

No Comments


Albion progress in the Frank Blunstone Cup against Huracan with a great team performance, winning 5-3 on penalties after drawing 4-4 AET.

In a gritty cup win, the lead changed hands twice before Albion finally gained the upper hand with some well taken penalties and a great save by Luke.

Duncan, Harry x2 and Charlie got the goals in normal time.

Jindy, Bill, Harry, Charlie and Duncan all scored their penalties. Luke saved one penalty.

No Comments


Blaney: Albion's promising new striker

Blaney: Albion’s promising new striker

In Interstellar, Matthew McConaughey gave up his family to travel to another galaxy in the hope of saving the Earth. Fortunately, that epic journey didn’t start with an 8am meet outside The Alex. Otherwise he probably would’ve thought, “Sod it. The world can wither and die for all I care. I fancy a lie-in.”

The Albion faithful were gathered at this ungodly hour for a Surrey Cup away game in Woking. No-one was sure if the Alb had ever had to travel so far for a match. Even Walter didn’t fancy cycling to this one. Incredibly, Woking was still within the known universe and satellite coordinates were available. So, GPS devices plotted, the Albion convoy boldly ventured where no squad had been before.

I was with the gaffer in the trim-mobile, always a worrying place to be on a long journey to an away trip. There’s always the strong possibility that you’re going to be subjected to his Led Zeppelin compilation, or a lengthy dissertation on the merits of George Michael’s solo career. Luckily, the great man was content with Radio 5.

That’s not to say that the journey was entirely without incident. A hill start at some traffic lights required Jade to burn the clutch as the engine screamed in protest. The car rapidly filled with an acrid, rubbery stench rather like the smell of an overheating Scalextric. Fortunately, whatever was on-fire quickly extinguished itself and we could complete our journey unsinged.

I was also treated to part of a classic Barker philosophy lecture. Frankly, it was still a bit early and Jade had lost me a few turns back so I didn’t really have a Scooby what he was talking about. However, his ruminative treatise ended with him describing a lady as the “Ferrero Roche of women……someone who just makes you want to get the Ambassador out.”

Does anyone know if we’re there yet?

Anyway, we arrived at Knaphill. Excellent facilities. Unfortunately, Stew bolted for the only toilet in the changing room and proceeded to destroy it, rendering it unusable by anyone else. The dirty bastard.

So, to the game. Albion’s somewhat depleted squad reverted to a traditional 4-4-2. Line-up: Walter in nets, back four of Mike, Luke, Stew and Slater. Midfield of Marcus, Jim O’d, Rich, and Stu. Up front Harry and Albion’s promising young striker Bill Blaney.

Jade: Like's his women, like his chocolate. Wrapped in gold and served in a small brown cupcake doily.

Jade: Likes his women, like his chocolate. Wrapped in gold and served in a small brown cupcake doily.

Handshakes, coin toss, and the match kicked off.

Albion started the match in fine style. We were knocking the ball around and playing some lovely stuff. Knaphill were an odd side. They seemed to have some alright players, but none of them seemed to do any work. This meant everyone had time on the ball. Hot prospect Blaney was linking up play like a vintage era Mark Hughes while Marcus, Harry and Stu were causing all sorts of trouble to the Knaphill defence.

Albion took the lead in somewhat bizarre fashion. The pitch was soft and wet, meaning the ball would sometimes whizz through or sometimes hold up. An over hit through ball should’ve have been the keeper’s all day long, but he misjudged it allowing Marcus to steal in and nick the ball from his grasp and roll it in to an empty net.

We should have had a quick second when Harry played a sweet one-two with Bill before despatching into the far corner. However, the bent-as-a-nine-Bob note lino flagged for offside. After a lengthy chat with the referee he managed to talk him out of the goal.

Worse was to follow when Knaphill – whose best player was a fat John Hartson look-alike – came a bit more into the game and equalised. A bucketful of gilt-edged chances for Albion followed, but we weren’t able to convert, contriving to miss when it would’ve been easier to score.

Half-time. 1-1.

There was a bit of a bollocking from Stew at letting this dreck off the hook. There was no way this game should be close and we only had ourselves to blame.
Irritatingly, the second half followed the same pattern as the first. Albion missing shed loads of golden opportunities. There were a few hairy moments at the back where it looked like we might regret our profligacy.

We almost bagged the winner in spectacular style when Marcus and Harry combined beautifully down the left. Harry threw in a perfect cross to the back stick where an onrushing Bill had timed his ‘arrive’ © Ron Atkinson perfectly only to lift the ball millimetres over the bar.

Fortunately, Albion were not to be denied. With only minutes remaining, Marcus was scythed down in the box for a pen, which Haz coolly despatched. 2-1 final score. And Albion march on.

No Comments


Aleks: Named in the squad, but curiously not by Jade.

Aleks: Named in the squad, but curiously not by Jade.

Albion won a pulsating Marcus Lipton cup tie 4-3 against AFC Putney.

There was a punctual meet-up outside The Alex. Even Aleks was on-time much to the surprise of Jade who had forgotten that he’d selected him in the squad. This was an away match at the Richardson Evans playing fields. With their billiard table surfaces the pitches are possibly the best in the league. Apparently, Wimbledon used to train there back in their long-ball clogging days. No wonder the grass is in such good nick. The changing rooms even had functioning light switches. Albion have rarely known such luxury.

Anyway, to the game. After a few weeks of missionary position 4-4-2, Jade was back on the tantric sex vibe opting for a frisky 4-1-3-2. The line-up: Walt in nets, a back four of Rich, Aleks, Stew, Will, a midfield of Eddy, Jim, the other less good Will, and controversially Dave in the ‘Dave role’. Up top Charlie and Haz. Mike and Stu on the Judy Dench.

On the basis of the first 20 minutes it looked like it was going to be a torrid morning in South London. Putney’s forward line – an impossible to tackle siege tower, and a pace to burn speed merchant – were causing all sorts of mayhem. It wasn’t long before they cut open Albion’s defence and opened the scoring.

Albion slowly worked their way back into the game. Dogged work by the defence and midfield reduced the impact of the Putney attacks. Better use of the ball with Dave ‘Xavi-esta’ McPhee increasingly influential meant we started to make chances of our own.

Shortly before half-time our resolve was rewarded by an equaliser. A foul 25 yards out gave us a free kick. The curiously positioned defensive wall simply invited Harry to despatch the ball into the far corner of the goal. 1-1. Half time.

In the second half, Albion started quicker than Stewart making a bolt for a pre-match shit. While Putney were still dangerous, Albion were controlling much more of the game. Can’t remember the build-up to our second goal, but it ended with Jim shooting against the post and then finishing the rebound himself. Number three came after a great move down the right wing. Walt rolled the ball out to Rich, who worked the ball up the right hand side. We played it round in midfield for a bit and then a nice through put Harry away who lobbed the ball sweetly over the keeper. Number four was simplicity itself and the kind of goal that would’ve have had Dave Bassett purring with satisfaction. After collecting the ball, Walt arrowed a kick straight down the centre of the pitch. The centre back let the ball over his head only to find himself in a foot race with Charlie, who flicked the ball over the onrushing keeper. Simples.

While the score line made the game look comfortable, Putney continued to carve out openings and Walter was forced to make some great saves. The final 20 minutes became a bit tense as Putney made some of their chances count. But it was too little, too late.

No Comments


They say the magic of the cup is dead. The League Cup has become a reserve team competition, and the FA Cup is nothing more than an inconvenience to be fitted in around the bloated, all consuming, beast that is the Premier League.

So, on the weekend of the FA Cup 3rd round, it was left to the Albion and their opponents Westminster Wanderers to prove the magic of the cup lives on. Even if it’s only within the unheralded environs of the Marcus Lipton Trophy.

Incredibly, the game almost didn’t happen. Weeks of heavy rain had made the pitch look like a cabbage patch. The centre of the pitch resembled the Somme, although the flanks were in still reasonably playable. The referee was less than enthusiastic about playing the game. However, in the unanimous view of the 22 men keen to shake off the post-Christmas footballing cobwebs, the pitch was perfectly playable. Even if, once out of earshot of the referee, there were grave whisperings that this pitch really wasn’t playable.

But anyway, it was game on, so the Albion lined up as: Barkello (GK), in defence, Donfather, Stew, Barns, Slaternator, a midfield of Milne, Buff Ralph, Joe, Evans, with Rich and Steve up top. On the bench: Bourne, and Aleks. There was also a good turn out of Albion Ultras with Matt, Bill and Dave in attendance.

Read the rest of this entry »

No Comments


The following match report is Matt Greensmith approved.

Sporting new kit and new found enthusiasm after the Albion 50 year celebrations two nights prior, the Albion showed up in style for the first round of the Marcus Lipton Cup. Click thru for Albion scoring phenom Matt Greensmith Garwood’s match report below.

Read the rest of this entry »

No Comments


The Sunday’s proceedings started off in predictable away game fashion which inevitably includes Jade in some form or another.

This week’s scribe – beware referees, wrong decisions make Don angry!

The gaffer’s late show made us a bit anxious about whether the match was actually going to happen, but fortunately for us with 20mins to spare Jade came to the rescue. Does he lack a sense of direction? Does he think he knows a better shortcut? Or is it that he just can’t read a map? We will never know.

At the back of our minds we knew we had an important game to win. It had been a hard fought win the week before, so we knew we needed the right mentality and another good performance to keep the run going.

In previous games we have tended to concede early goals despite our domination. Now it was now time for us to wake up, knuckle down and really start to take our opportunities.



Read the rest of this entry »

No Comments


Abbott: Match report had been lost in the post

Delayed by a royal mail postal strike the match report arrived at the publishers desk a week late after the Surrey Cup encounter against Croydon Postal Athletic. Should have arranged a private courier with DHL.

Albion on a poor run of form went into the game on the back of three consecutive defeats. Two of the defeats had dumped them out of both local cups in the first round and the league defeat ended a long unbeaten stint in the competition. These were tough times for the Albion, times that required a response. In someway there was a resemblance to the current Arsenal campaign.

The injury list read: Vilem (sore knee or something); James (broken ribs); Duncan (hair in his eyes). Jindy was away entertaining someone or something in Scotland. Rich was still in fancy dress from the previous evenings antics… his whereabouts were unknown. Albion’s newest recruit Ralph was apparently re-reading his emails at home on the advice of Nick Evans…. the starting 11 consisted of an array of talent but unfortunately the team sheet has been lost in second class post and can’t be reproduced here. An online complaint has been logged with the Royal Mail.

Read the rest of this entry »

No Comments


Don: Leapt like a giant black salmon, then wrote the match report.

This was an away game, and the Sunday’s proceedings started of as usual,  but I was running late due to some bowel action.  To my surprise every one seem to have tape on meaning I wont be needing to hand over any tape again, maybe I should be late more often.

With all this going on, we knew at the back of our mind’s we had an important game to win, as our recent form had been disappointing, losing 2 games on the bounce. We knew the task ahead with Southbank wasn’t going to be easy, as we had beaten them before and I’m sure they wanted to get their own back. We had a few people missing through injury or absentees but still a strong squad.

The Starting line up was 4-5-1, Bill, Myself, Dave, Myles, Will, Dan S, Simon, Steve, Nick M, Rich and (shinpad Jade on the bench) It was important for us to employ pressure straight away.  Whistle went, and the play was quite open for the first 15mins. Then Southbank started to apply pressure and resulted in long diagonal balls. They were also having much success in midfield with them winning a lot of the first and second balls.

Read the rest of this entry »

No Comments