MOM & HL V PARKLIFE

Albion kicked off the New Year with a 5-3 loss to Parklife. Despite pulling it back to 1-1 and being in the ascendancy, some slack play during a 15 minute period resulted in the Albion going in 4-1 down at halftime.

Another Will scooter picture.

Another Will scooter picture.

A spirited and much improved performance wasn’t enough to overturn the first half deficit.

MOM saw Aleks pick up a solitary vote for third. Tim, who had a stint at LB and then CM, doing excellently in both positions to come in second with 3 votes.

However, it was Woody with a battling forward display who took the award with 5 votes (and now goes clear with a season total of 3).

Parklife received a vote in “Henri Leconte” for spending their money on a Christmas single, rather than enough shirts to actually play in.

The Parklife left-back, wearing gloves with a short sleeved shirt, picked up a vote for a bizarre rant involving “boat races” and “accounts departments”. No me neither.

Stand-out winner was Tim, with 6 votes for producing a sublime bit of skill in scissor kicking the ball in the corner from the edge of the box to make it 5-3.

However, the votes were for the fact he immediately got double cramp and instead of celebrating, was on his back with his feet in the air.

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MOM & HL V WESTMINSTER WANDERERS

The proverbial “game of two halves”, saw the game tied 1-1 at half-time only for the Albion to eventually lose 3-1.

The first half saw a fine finish from Tom, lobbing the keeper with a shinned finish that the watching Jade would have been proud of. In recognition of this, Tom won his second “MOM” in as many weeks with 5 votes, only Matt coming close with 3. The returning Dunc and Woody picking up 1 vote each, to tie third.

Bike Loving Will Carlile : Ran out of bike pictures. Moved onto scooters.

Bike Loving Will Carlile : Ran out of bike pictures. Moved onto scooters.

During the pre-match warm-up, Westminster were animatedly discussing the ability of stand in keeper Luke. The standard comments of “he’s not their usual keeper” and “get shots off and test him”, were heard. That is before I reminded them that we had in fact signed Luke from them and that he was playing in goal at the time. For this “Westminster” picked up a couple of votes in “Henri Leconte”.

The ref also picked up a couple of votes for giving a first half penalty against bike-loving Will Carlie, despite it being a good bikes length outside the box. This was followed by awarding a corner which was in fact a throw in, from which Westminster subsequently scored.

Limping across the finish line in the “winning” position was “Calcium Kid”, Sean Holden. Picking up his first “Henri Leconte” for going off with a muscle strain, 2 minutes after I’d made both of our substitutions and leaving us with 10 men for the last half an hour.

Sean admitted, “Needing deep tissue massage” for the ailment. If only he’d given us a heads up, as watching General Manager Jade Barker has a history of performing sensual massage at Sunday league games and could have prevented the injury.

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MOM & HL V FOLYHILL UTD

After an hour long journey out to the provinces and despite leading 3-2 at half time, the Albion were knocked out of the Surrey FA Junior Cup. Losing 6-4, after a dismal second half which saw a couple of soft goals being conceded.

A picture of Will with a bike - the last one got 700+ views, so fingers crossed!

A picture of Will with a bike – the last one got 700+ views, so fingers crossed!

“Man of the Match” was won by Tom with 5 votes. Joint second were Josh and Will with 2 votes a piece. Will going some way in making it up to the Albion fans after being involved in some sensationalism involving his new bike and a Facebook story “going viral”. “Viral” in that the story received 700+ views, considerably more than the usual 14 views a football piece would receive.

Woody picked up a solitary vote for third.

“Henri Leconte” was similarly a walkover. Despite Bill picking up a vote for his “Top of the Box” directions, Steve smashed it with 9 votes.

Whilst running the line during the first half, Steve showed the crowd (5 beer drinking herberts) what they were missing with a sublime touch and take down from a lofted ball. Unfortunately, the ball hadn’t left the field of play and instead Steve laid the ball on for the Folyhill winger to run onto.

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CARLILE ACCUSED OF BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE “NON-PAYING” FANS

Albion fan favourite and midfield dynamo, Will Carlile, has sensationally been shot down by the Albion Supporters Trust after a photo appeared online of Carlile showing off his new hipster bike.

Carlile : Albion Bike Hipster

Carlile : Albion Bike Hipster

The photo, shown on hipster wank-fest site “The Hackney Peddler” shows Carlile looking sheepishly into the camera whilst holding his new bike.

Albion Supporters Trust’s Chairwoman, “Woman with Dog” had this to say, “We’ve just suffered two of the worst results in our history and he’s showing off his new bike”. Adding, “This is about the fifth bike he’s had this season and shows no regard for the non-paying fans”.

Albion Manager Stewart Lauder, did not comment. As he is still unable to speak after two consecutive heavy losses, which have left him perilously close to being sacked by Albion Chairman, Jade Barker.

Leaping to the defence of his brother, crocked Albion striker Harry Carlile spoke up. “I know the way it looks, it looks bad. But contrary to reports, he doesn’t have a “collection” of vintage bikes. Yes, he has had 5 bikes this season but that’s only because he’s got pissed and lost the last 4 whilst in the Clapham area”.

Albion Supporters Trust’s Chairwoman, “Woman with Dog” raged further, “And he seems to be wearing one of those stupid fishing jackets that all the younger players have started wearing. Bring back the days of players warming up in leather motorbike jackets”.

This Sunday, all eyes will be on Carlile as he takes to the field in the Surrey Cup game, away to Follyhill FC.

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MOM & HL V SWAG (Yes, you read that right)

Albion picked up their first league win of the season, with a 4-1 victory over league new boys “SWAG”.

Bruce Lee : Pretty good at Martial Arts

Bruce Lee : Pretty good at Martial Arts

With Alek’s and Neil both scoring early goals, you’d have expected them to pick up votes in the MOM award. They did, with a solitary vote each to tie third place.

Woody added a brace with the third and fourth goals, thereby picking up 3 votes to take second place in the MOM award.

The winner was Will Carlile, with 6 votes for a dominant midfield performance in the “Dave Role”.

Upon turning up to the changing rooms, the Albion were greeted by some Indie tunes playing from Tom’s boombox. For this he picked up a vote in the Henri Leconte voting.

Woody’s first yellow for the Albion picked up for a vote for being “pointless”. Not to be outdone, Tom also got his name in the ref’s notebook for a ridiculously late challenge and he also picked up a vote.

Will C also got nominated for one of the shittest bits of “bantz”, we’ve heard in a long time.

The ref, “Can I see your boots?”

Will, “Yeah, as long as I get them back at the end of the match”.

However, this week’s winner was the ref with 5 votes (I’ll leave it at that). BUT….

I cannot help but feel Chaz escaped clinching the award, after another bizarre exchange in the Alex went largely unnoticed due to everyone having departed relatively early.

It seems he’s not only confused about gardening but also the respective martial art capabilities of actors.

Chaz, “Is Bruce Lee, any good at fighting?”

Cue Will, Luke and myself looking at each other in disbelief.

Chaz, “ Sorry, I meant Bruce Willis”.

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MOM & HL V BATTERSEA PARK RANGERS

Albion suffered a 4 nil defeat to rivals Battersea Park Rangers, going down to 2 goals in either half.

Alek's "Ladybird" scooter

Alek’s “Ladybird” scooter

The pre-match started in bizarre fashion, when a new BPR player walked into the changing room, shook every Albione’s hand and introduced himself as “Will”. For that he received 2 votes in this week’s Henri Leconte. In another pre-match indiscretion, Aleks also picked up a couple of votes for arriving on a bright red scooter, which matched his bright red boots.

The first incident during the game which picked up votes, was for an “own goal” finish that Will Slater would have been proud of. With Jindy applying a deft and cool finish, in slotting the ball past Alex to put BPR 1 nil up.

During the second half, the Albion did momentarily pull it back to 3-1 following a mazy run from Nick Milne and a slammed finish from Chaz. However, this week’s Henri Leconte winner with 6 votes was Nick for being “too honest” in admitting the ball went out of play before the move was finished. Which left one Albione stating, “it had no place in Sunday league football”.

Despite his own goal, Jindy picked up a vote in the MOM award, along with Will, Woody and Neil.

In second place was the “too honest” Nick Milne with 3 votes. But this week’s winner was red scooter riding and Albion captain Aleks with 4 votes.

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MOM & HL V AFC Hammersmith

It is fair to say that the overall team performance in losing 5-0 to AFC Hammersmith, was shite.

"Ol' Green Fingers" Nick Evans checking out local flora.

“Ol’ Green Fingers” Nick Evans checking out local flora.

However, there was one standout performance and that was Marcus Fletcher operating in his new role at left back. Marcus showed endeavour not matched by the rest of the team and picked up 6 votes, to walk away with this week’s award. Nearest to Marcus was Woody with 2 votes. Matt, Chaz and Tim all registered a vote each.

Albion new boy Teddy, down watching his first game with father and Albion captain Aleks Turner, also registered a vote. Not the first time a dribbling, incoherent, “unsteady on his feet” performance picked up a MOM vote in the Albion awards.

Henri Leconte was equally spread.

With Chaz, who received a vote for a chimpanzee impersonation whilst trying to take down the nets on his own.

Chaz also received a vote from yours truly for this bizarre exchange…

Stew, “Nick Evans was going to the gym a lot whilst on gardening leave”.

Chaz, “I didn’t realise Nick was a gardener”.

Others to receive a single vote included Tom – for admitting having his hair chemically straightened, Neil for describing the Alex barmaid as “packing” and the oppo injured player for getting all aggro for a variety of reasons.

Joint winners and both receiving 3 votes, were Neil for arguing and squaring up with the oppo injured player and Alex W for a weak clearance with gave AFC Hammersmith the ball and an early lead. (Alex voted for himself).

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MOM & HL V AFC PUTNEY

Dinah Washington once sang, “What a difference a day makes”. I’ve a feeling Dinah never had a day like Nick Milne and I therefore felt it apt to let 7 days pass before posting last week’s awards.

Chaz using his "new" Nokia 3210.

Chaz using his “new” Nokia 3210.

In a first, I feel we should talk about the “Henri Leconte” award before the “MOM” awards.

On any other week, phoning me up at 10.10 to ask me what train he needed to get on from Vauxhall would have made Charlie a clear winner. This was later followed by at text at 10.39 to tell me he was at “Esher”, despite me being unable to answer given I would have been 10 minutes into the game.

However, far and away the “winner” was Nick Milne with an astonishing 10 votes! With the game poised on a knife edge at 2-2 and with 5 minutes to go, Nick was 30 yards out and closing down on the opposition keeper. Typically the keeper tried one of his “Rene Higuita” moves, only to be dispossessed by the onrushing Milne.

Nick was then clear through on goal, with no one around to challenge him – cue 9 loud cheers, hand pumps and returning goalkeeper Blaney popped off 2 rounds from this Colt .45.

Then the rattle! With the ball looping up and out of play, following a thumping against the crossbar.

For the remainder of the game and most of the post-match, Albion’s own “Rain Man” was heard repeatedly saying “Uh-oh! I’ve hit the bar! Uh-oh! I’ve hit the bar! Uh-oh! I’ve hit the bar!” and the Albion had to settle for a 2-2 draw.

An honourable mention should also go to Putney’s goalie, who post game was seen driving from the ground in the World’s smallest affordable car – knee’s up against the steering wheel. 

Man of the Match was hotly contested between Will C playing the “Dave Role” and Nick M, with Nick pipping Will to win the award 4-3.

Bill, Josh and Stew all picked up a vote a piece.

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ALBION V WIG ARMY – MATCH REPORT, MOM & HL

To round out the September fixtures Albion took on the curiously named Wig Army in the Marcus Lipton Cup.  With two leagues and presumably thus at least 8 places separating them Albion were favourites, although were dealt an early blow through the absence of Player/Manager Stewart Lauder prior to the warm up. thebus

Rumours were abound as to the cause of Lauder’s Karanka-esque no-show but a representative from a leading ride-sharing website suggested that he ‘might have been drunk’.  Jade Barker and the Albion FC board have yet to comment whether Lauder would be subject to the strict playing staff code of conduct, in particular the section reading…

‘If anyone dropouts after 12 (midday, you cheeky f*ckers) on Saturday, without a viable reason, they will also be excluded from the next weeks squad.’

Which Lauder had embarrassingly emblazoned on a bus during pre-season.

Despite this sideshow Albion had a match to play and started relatively brightly, quickly nullifying Wig Army’s rather one dimensional long ball strategy.  After 20 minutes Albion got into their grove, passing the ball well and starting to create space down the flanks.  The pressure quickly paid off with a ball from the right breaking to Tim Groundwater who lashed into the left side of the goal from 12 yards out for his first ever Albion goal.

Buoyed by breaking the deadlock Albion turned on the style, with a beautiful flowing passing move down the left end up at the feet of Tom South, who promptly introduced the ball to the net.  Not done for the first half, target man Baxendale’s looping header beat the keeper but hit the underside of the bar, but fortunately South was on hand to put the rebound away.

Long time fans of Albion FC will know that like Bonnie Tyler, every now and then we fall apart.  We promptly did this for the last 10 minutes of the first half and were lucky to survive unscathed from multiple rounds of penalty box pinball.  However at half time it was 3-0.

A pattern was quickly established in the second half as Wig continued to launch long balls akin to a ~Russian~ Ukrainian separatist soldier in Sevastapol.  Albion, content to absorb this pressure and launch counter attacks, were constantly dangerous but were unable to convert, with Baxendale once again acting cupid for ball and crossbar before eventually slotting the fourth and final goal.

Albion will face tougher tests this season but, should he continue his tenure as Albion coach, Lauder will be impressed with a professional performance and will hope Albion can take this form to get their first points in the league next week.

MoM: This week was a close run thing, but taken by Matt McManus for his ‘1000’ headers.  Marcus Fletcher came second with 2 votes with spare votes also for Aleks and Nick.

H/L – GOES go to Lauder for his failure to read the email and turn up on time, but more than one vote also went to Aleks for matching his boots to the red kit.  About as conspicuous as Taribo West at  an EDL rally – fair point.

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ALBION V FC MORDEN – MOM & HENRI LECONTE

In my absence we failed to nominate the awards following last week’s defeat to AFC Putney.

However, I can tell you that Woody picked up his first and the season’s first MOM award. We can assume Walter would have picked up HL, for being half an hour on time (sod’s law, I was away).

This week wasn’t much different, with Woody winning after collecting 5 votes whilst scoring a brace in the 5-3 defeat to FC Morden (Nick E slotted the other). Neil, Marcus F and Chaz all picked up a vote a piece.

"Bruce" - Better house trained than Charlie Baxendale

“Bruce” – Better house trained than Charlie Baxendale

During recent years the Alb have had various runs in with “man’s best friend”. A few years back there was a strange incident when Albion full-back Rich Evans was accused of striking a dog (whilst in reality, he was only arguing in Welsh with it) and who could forget St George’s part time physio and linesdog.

However, this weekend saw an Albion first when “Bruce” turned up with owner Neil hoping for a place on the bench. Unfortunately for him we were able to field a full side and he had to spend his Sunday morning being entertained by injured Albion striker Harry Carlile, who reminiscent of the St George’s story attempted to run the line whilst holding the lead.

Quite rightly, the ref turned down the request and played the game without linesmen.

Tim came second with a couple of votes. One for rolling his ankle twice, despite being nowhere near the action and the second for sticking up for himself by giving me a piece of his mind during the half time team talk.

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