Firstly, sincere apologies to Neil for the delay in getting this up.

Albion followed up their 6-2 win over Huracan in the Frank Blunstone Cup with a 4-3 win in the league.

The loss leaves Huracan rooted to the bottom of the table with zero points with 3 games to play. But it didn’t all go easy for the Albion.

Alex Anselmo : In another one of his hats, thankfully one he left at home.

Alex Anselmo : In another one of his hats, thankfully one he left at home.

In treacherous conditions similar to the previous game, the Albion found themselves 2 down in the first 15 minutes following some sloppy defending and miscommunication at the back.

Steve snatched one back, literally snatching Tom’s shot/goal off him as it went over the line. Huracan responded quickly with another to go 3-1 ahead.

However, following a foul on Nick Milne, Neil stroked a penalty home to make it 3-2 at half time.

Straight from the kick-off the Albion attacked down the right, there was a scramble in the box with Woody stabbing home from inside the box to bring it equal at 3-3.

With just a couple of minutes left on the clock, the Albion mounted their final attack which ended with the ball falling to Woody, who made sure of the 3 points with a composed finish into the corner of the net.

“Man of Match” was split between 3 players, with Nick Milne picking up a vote for third and Neil with 2 votes for second.

However, with a hat trick of “MOM”s this year was Woody with 5 votes.

“Take a boo son!”

“Henri Leconte” was similarly split 3 ways. Albion skipper Aleks picked up a vote for sending a weird Wattsapp video of himself dressed in a pink “Morph” costume, smashing up his flat using a giant pink dildo attached to his midriff. Intended as a motivational video, it instead caused confusion amongst the group and coupled with his ladybird pattern scooter, only raised further question marks over his sexuality.

Second place with 3 votes was Will Carlile, for a truly unforgettable shot from the edge of the box. With the ball bouncing down for him perfectly centre, Will managed to find the corner flag with a sliced shot. Unfortunately, it was the opposite corner to that which the corner was taken from.

This week’s winner was debutant Alex Anselmo. Having been picked up by our Portuguese scout, Alex made his debut by coming on during the second half – wearing a beanie. For this misdemeanour Alex picked up 6 votes and was asked to remove said hat.

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The Albion got their first win of the New Year, with a 6-2 victory in the quarter-final of the Frank Blunstone Cup over league rivals Huracan.

Conditions ripe for a good "reducer".

Conditions ripe for a good “reducer”.

Weather conditions were atrocious, with the game just passing an earlier pitch inspection. However, the Albion contrived to play some quality football and made countless first half chances.

A tireless display from the Albion front two of Woody and Steve saw the Albion dominate from the first whistle. With Woody picking up his first Albion hattrick, Nick Milne with a brace and finally an own goal to complete the scorers.

Due to a solid team performance, the “Man of the Match” award was spread over several players but top heavy with attacking players and Stew.

Neil, Stew and Marcus all picked up a vote. Steve and Nick Milne were tied second with 2 votes but the winner and for the second consecutive weekend was Woody, with 4 votes.

This week’s “Henri Leconte” could be renamed “Alex Whichelo”! Al picked up a vote for having to wash the kit, 2 votes for knocking himself out with the ball and another 2 votes for getting pushed over by the poshest guy on the pitch. The Huracan #5  himself and “poshest guy on the pitch” picked up a couple of votes for his petulant push and handbags.

Elsewhere Tim picked up a vote for shitting in the woods. Obviously not versed in the Albion tradition of destroying the Nero toilets.

Winner was Stew with 4 votes for a “never-ending tackle”. Which saw him slide on his fat arse from the edge of the box, passed 2 players before eventually bringing down the Huracan winger inside the 6 yard box and giving away a penalty.

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Albion kicked off the New Year with a 5-3 loss to Parklife. Despite pulling it back to 1-1 and being in the ascendancy, some slack play during a 15 minute period resulted in the Albion going in 4-1 down at halftime.

Another Will scooter picture.

Another Will scooter picture.

A spirited and much improved performance wasn’t enough to overturn the first half deficit.

MOM saw Aleks pick up a solitary vote for third. Tim, who had a stint at LB and then CM, doing excellently in both positions to come in second with 3 votes.

However, it was Woody with a battling forward display who took the award with 5 votes (and now goes clear with a season total of 3).

Parklife received a vote in “Henri Leconte” for spending their money on a Christmas single, rather than enough shirts to actually play in.

The Parklife left-back, wearing gloves with a short sleeved shirt, picked up a vote for a bizarre rant involving “boat races” and “accounts departments”. No me neither.

Stand-out winner was Tim, with 6 votes for producing a sublime bit of skill in scissor kicking the ball in the corner from the edge of the box to make it 5-3.

However, the votes were for the fact he immediately got double cramp and instead of celebrating, was on his back with his feet in the air.

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The proverbial “game of two halves”, saw the game tied 1-1 at half-time only for the Albion to eventually lose 3-1.

The first half saw a fine finish from Tom, lobbing the keeper with a shinned finish that the watching Jade would have been proud of. In recognition of this, Tom won his second “MOM” in as many weeks with 5 votes, only Matt coming close with 3. The returning Dunc and Woody picking up 1 vote each, to tie third.

Bike Loving Will Carlile : Ran out of bike pictures. Moved onto scooters.

Bike Loving Will Carlile : Ran out of bike pictures. Moved onto scooters.

During the pre-match warm-up, Westminster were animatedly discussing the ability of stand in keeper Luke. The standard comments of “he’s not their usual keeper” and “get shots off and test him”, were heard. That is before I reminded them that we had in fact signed Luke from them and that he was playing in goal at the time. For this “Westminster” picked up a couple of votes in “Henri Leconte”.

The ref also picked up a couple of votes for giving a first half penalty against bike-loving Will Carlie, despite it being a good bikes length outside the box. This was followed by awarding a corner which was in fact a throw in, from which Westminster subsequently scored.

Limping across the finish line in the “winning” position was “Calcium Kid”, Sean Holden. Picking up his first “Henri Leconte” for going off with a muscle strain, 2 minutes after I’d made both of our substitutions and leaving us with 10 men for the last half an hour.

Sean admitted, “Needing deep tissue massage” for the ailment. If only he’d given us a heads up, as watching General Manager Jade Barker has a history of performing sensual massage at Sunday league games and could have prevented the injury.

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After an hour long journey out to the provinces and despite leading 3-2 at half time, the Albion were knocked out of the Surrey FA Junior Cup. Losing 6-4, after a dismal second half which saw a couple of soft goals being conceded.

A picture of Will with a bike - the last one got 700+ views, so fingers crossed!

A picture of Will with a bike – the last one got 700+ views, so fingers crossed!

“Man of the Match” was won by Tom with 5 votes. Joint second were Josh and Will with 2 votes a piece. Will going some way in making it up to the Albion fans after being involved in some sensationalism involving his new bike and a Facebook story “going viral”. “Viral” in that the story received 700+ views, considerably more than the usual 14 views a football piece would receive.

Woody picked up a solitary vote for third.

“Henri Leconte” was similarly a walkover. Despite Bill picking up a vote for his “Top of the Box” directions, Steve smashed it with 9 votes.

Whilst running the line during the first half, Steve showed the crowd (5 beer drinking herberts) what they were missing with a sublime touch and take down from a lofted ball. Unfortunately, the ball hadn’t left the field of play and instead Steve laid the ball on for the Folyhill winger to run onto.

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Albion fan favourite and midfield dynamo, Will Carlile, has sensationally been shot down by the Albion Supporters Trust after a photo appeared online of Carlile showing off his new hipster bike.

Carlile : Albion Bike Hipster

Carlile : Albion Bike Hipster

The photo, shown on hipster wank-fest site “The Hackney Peddler” shows Carlile looking sheepishly into the camera whilst holding his new bike.

Albion Supporters Trust’s Chairwoman, “Woman with Dog” had this to say, “We’ve just suffered two of the worst results in our history and he’s showing off his new bike”. Adding, “This is about the fifth bike he’s had this season and shows no regard for the non-paying fans”.

Albion Manager Stewart Lauder, did not comment. As he is still unable to speak after two consecutive heavy losses, which have left him perilously close to being sacked by Albion Chairman, Jade Barker.

Leaping to the defence of his brother, crocked Albion striker Harry Carlile spoke up. “I know the way it looks, it looks bad. But contrary to reports, he doesn’t have a “collection” of vintage bikes. Yes, he has had 5 bikes this season but that’s only because he’s got pissed and lost the last 4 whilst in the Clapham area”.

Albion Supporters Trust’s Chairwoman, “Woman with Dog” raged further, “And he seems to be wearing one of those stupid fishing jackets that all the younger players have started wearing. Bring back the days of players warming up in leather motorbike jackets”.

This Sunday, all eyes will be on Carlile as he takes to the field in the Surrey Cup game, away to Follyhill FC.

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MOM & HL V SWAG (Yes, you read that right)

Albion picked up their first league win of the season, with a 4-1 victory over league new boys “SWAG”.

Bruce Lee : Pretty good at Martial Arts

Bruce Lee : Pretty good at Martial Arts

With Alek’s and Neil both scoring early goals, you’d have expected them to pick up votes in the MOM award. They did, with a solitary vote each to tie third place.

Woody added a brace with the third and fourth goals, thereby picking up 3 votes to take second place in the MOM award.

The winner was Will Carlile, with 6 votes for a dominant midfield performance in the “Dave Role”.

Upon turning up to the changing rooms, the Albion were greeted by some Indie tunes playing from Tom’s boombox. For this he picked up a vote in the Henri Leconte voting.

Woody’s first yellow for the Albion picked up for a vote for being “pointless”. Not to be outdone, Tom also got his name in the ref’s notebook for a ridiculously late challenge and he also picked up a vote.

Will C also got nominated for one of the shittest bits of “bantz”, we’ve heard in a long time.

The ref, “Can I see your boots?”

Will, “Yeah, as long as I get them back at the end of the match”.

However, this week’s winner was the ref with 5 votes (I’ll leave it at that). BUT….

I cannot help but feel Chaz escaped clinching the award, after another bizarre exchange in the Alex went largely unnoticed due to everyone having departed relatively early.

It seems he’s not only confused about gardening but also the respective martial art capabilities of actors.

Chaz, “Is Bruce Lee, any good at fighting?”

Cue Will, Luke and myself looking at each other in disbelief.

Chaz, “ Sorry, I meant Bruce Willis”.

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Albion suffered a 4 nil defeat to rivals Battersea Park Rangers, going down to 2 goals in either half.

Alek's "Ladybird" scooter

Alek’s “Ladybird” scooter

The pre-match started in bizarre fashion, when a new BPR player walked into the changing room, shook every Albione’s hand and introduced himself as “Will”. For that he received 2 votes in this week’s Henri Leconte. In another pre-match indiscretion, Aleks also picked up a couple of votes for arriving on a bright red scooter, which matched his bright red boots.

The first incident during the game which picked up votes, was for an “own goal” finish that Will Slater would have been proud of. With Jindy applying a deft and cool finish, in slotting the ball past Alex to put BPR 1 nil up.

During the second half, the Albion did momentarily pull it back to 3-1 following a mazy run from Nick Milne and a slammed finish from Chaz. However, this week’s Henri Leconte winner with 6 votes was Nick for being “too honest” in admitting the ball went out of play before the move was finished. Which left one Albione stating, “it had no place in Sunday league football”.

Despite his own goal, Jindy picked up a vote in the MOM award, along with Will, Woody and Neil.

In second place was the “too honest” Nick Milne with 3 votes. But this week’s winner was red scooter riding and Albion captain Aleks with 4 votes.

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MOM & HL V AFC Hammersmith

It is fair to say that the overall team performance in losing 5-0 to AFC Hammersmith, was shite.

"Ol' Green Fingers" Nick Evans checking out local flora.

“Ol’ Green Fingers” Nick Evans checking out local flora.

However, there was one standout performance and that was Marcus Fletcher operating in his new role at left back. Marcus showed endeavour not matched by the rest of the team and picked up 6 votes, to walk away with this week’s award. Nearest to Marcus was Woody with 2 votes. Matt, Chaz and Tim all registered a vote each.

Albion new boy Teddy, down watching his first game with father and Albion captain Aleks Turner, also registered a vote. Not the first time a dribbling, incoherent, “unsteady on his feet” performance picked up a MOM vote in the Albion awards.

Henri Leconte was equally spread.

With Chaz, who received a vote for a chimpanzee impersonation whilst trying to take down the nets on his own.

Chaz also received a vote from yours truly for this bizarre exchange…

Stew, “Nick Evans was going to the gym a lot whilst on gardening leave”.

Chaz, “I didn’t realise Nick was a gardener”.

Others to receive a single vote included Tom – for admitting having his hair chemically straightened, Neil for describing the Alex barmaid as “packing” and the oppo injured player for getting all aggro for a variety of reasons.

Joint winners and both receiving 3 votes, were Neil for arguing and squaring up with the oppo injured player and Alex W for a weak clearance with gave AFC Hammersmith the ball and an early lead. (Alex voted for himself).

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Dinah Washington once sang, “What a difference a day makes”. I’ve a feeling Dinah never had a day like Nick Milne and I therefore felt it apt to let 7 days pass before posting last week’s awards.

Chaz using his "new" Nokia 3210.

Chaz using his “new” Nokia 3210.

In a first, I feel we should talk about the “Henri Leconte” award before the “MOM” awards.

On any other week, phoning me up at 10.10 to ask me what train he needed to get on from Vauxhall would have made Charlie a clear winner. This was later followed by at text at 10.39 to tell me he was at “Esher”, despite me being unable to answer given I would have been 10 minutes into the game.

However, far and away the “winner” was Nick Milne with an astonishing 10 votes! With the game poised on a knife edge at 2-2 and with 5 minutes to go, Nick was 30 yards out and closing down on the opposition keeper. Typically the keeper tried one of his “Rene Higuita” moves, only to be dispossessed by the onrushing Milne.

Nick was then clear through on goal, with no one around to challenge him – cue 9 loud cheers, hand pumps and returning goalkeeper Blaney popped off 2 rounds from this Colt .45.

Then the rattle! With the ball looping up and out of play, following a thumping against the crossbar.

For the remainder of the game and most of the post-match, Albion’s own “Rain Man” was heard repeatedly saying “Uh-oh! I’ve hit the bar! Uh-oh! I’ve hit the bar! Uh-oh! I’ve hit the bar!” and the Albion had to settle for a 2-2 draw.

An honourable mention should also go to Putney’s goalie, who post game was seen driving from the ground in the World’s smallest affordable car – knee’s up against the steering wheel. 

Man of the Match was hotly contested between Will C playing the “Dave Role” and Nick M, with Nick pipping Will to win the award 4-3.

Bill, Josh and Stew all picked up a vote a piece.

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