The Albion FC

Dan Roberts EXCLUSIVE: Aging striker cashes in with skin care endorsement

Inflexibly ankled Albion striker Dan Roberts, yesterday signed an exclusive deal to promote Nivea for Men skincare products. News of the deal only came to light when a full-page advertisement, depicting a clearly air-brushed Roberts, was published in Sport magazine this week.

Albion club officials are said to be stunned at the news, given Roberts’ history of eschewing commercial endorsements. Roberts, aged 38, is known for his socialist principles manifested in his hatred of central authority figures. He was also once quoted declaring his desire to play for Hertha Berlin, “the club of the people, representing the glory of The Party”. Albion manager, Jade Barker, has consistently denied pandering to Roberts’ socialist views, although he did concede “he’s pretty useless on the right wing”.

However, in the twilight of his career and with fatherhood rapidly approaching, Roberts, 42, is understandably cashing in on his public profile and is unwavering in his endorsement of Nivea. “For me, if you look good, you play good. In today’s society, we’ve removed the stigma attached to sexy older women like Barbara Windsor and Vera Lynn. And this is all about the same empowerment for the older man. People are always asking me why my skin looks like this. When you’re in your mid forties like me, you need to look after yourself. And with Nivea, it’s because I’m kind of worth it.”

He may, however, may face a frosty reception at pre-season training with mixed views amongst his Albion teammates. “What an absolute ponce” raged one unnamed source. “Next thing you know, he’ll be trimming his ballsack and drinking skinny lattes. Fuck. That. Shit.” Others took a more understanding tone: “Well, he’s not getting any younger is he? We kind of guessed this sort of thing was coming when he said he wasn’t coming on the pre-season tour. We’re not expecting to see him much next season to be honest. It’s a shame – he used to enjoy going out and seeing his mates.”

Roberts declined to respond to the comments, with his agent issuing a brief statement today. “Daniel is enthused about what he hopes is the beginning of a long-standing relationship with Nivea as his new official skincare partner. At this moment in time, he has no further comments and would like some privacy to celebrate his 48th birthday.”