Barker: “Playing on a new pitch is like making love to a beautiful woman….”
Sunday’s game against Machico saw that rarest of all things in the Southern Sunday Football League: a new pitch.
Tucked away in the backstreets of Stockwell, lies Larkhall Park. Even the gaffer, a man who claims to have played on every rutted wasteland between Oval and Orpington at least once, had never graced it. We truly were in uncharted territory here.
To be honest though, if we never saw this pitch again, it would be too soon. The pitch was covered in more craters and bumps than the face of an acne riddled teen. A couple of guys from Machico wandered about the pitch before the game with a bucket of mud trying to fill them in as best they could, but it succeded only in making the pitch terrible rather than atrocious.
In the changing rooms, the great tape drought of 2013 was officially over as Don had a massive brand new roll of the good stuff (though with Albion levels of consumption it will probably only last until the end of the month). Joe and Matt arrived late – they’d been unable to get an earlier time at the tanning salon – wearing new his’n’hers boots (and very nice they were too ladies).
Albion lined up in a traditional South London 4-4-2. GK Walter, defence, the Donfather, Barnes, Alex, Slater, midfield, Milne, Joe, Simon, Matt, with Steve and Rich up top. On the bench Buff Ralph and Jonny.
Game on. Cagey start to the game. Machico had more of the territory, but Albion looked solid. Both teams looked to play football, but it was proving difficult on such a bumpy pitch where the ball would suddenly bobble up and out of your control.
After about 15 minutes, we worked our way into the game and started to ask a few questions of the Machico defense. They weren’t particularly difficult questions though, and Machico answered them easily. Then the sucker punch. A long ball out from the back by a Machico defender allowed their forward to get the run on our defence. He bore down on goal and finished. 1 nil. Cue Rio Carnival style celebrations from the opposition.
Now the game started to get a bit niggly. Not least because Machico were diving around like Tom Daley at a Cristiano Ronaldo theme party. The slightest contact and over they’d go. What made it all the more annoying was that they weren’t shy of leaving a foot in. Steve in particular was in the thick of it as he was engaged in a mano e mano contest with the Machico centre backs and got wiped out with a blatant, dirty, bodycheck in the process.
Back in the game though, Albion found themselves 2 nil down courtesy of a wonderstrike hit from outside of the area. Walter very nearly saved the sweetly hit howitzer, turning it onto the bar, but a forward following up nudged the ball over the line. Cue more of those aggravating celebrations as their whole team bundled each other. In the distance John Terry could be seen stripping off his track suit to join in. Steady on lads, this is the Southern Sunday not the Champions League final.
Suitably motivated by the sight of these strutting peacocks getting over excited again, Albion focussed on the business of getting their collective arse back in the match.
This involved Nick Milne putting in a cross from the right wing. Matt got on the end of it, but his shot was saved by the keeper, his next hit he post, but luckily at the third time of asking he stuck it into the old onion sack, 2:1.
Another hat-trick for Garwood (the greedy bastard)
It was soon 2:2 when Machico stopped playing because they thought they should have had a free kick in their own area. Seeing as nothing had been given by the referee, Matt decided that the most sensible thing to do would be to stick the ball into the back of the net. Machico were livid, but really only had themselves to blame. Play to the whistle boys, it’s the first rule of football.
Half time.
Second half and it felt like we had he better of it, though we weren’t creating clear cut chances. Machico had some corners, but little else. That little else though was a superb chance when their striker got through one on one with Walter, but the big man did the old Schmeichel star jump and kept it out with his foot for a crucial save.
Most of this game got played out in midfield. Nick was a constant threat down the right as was Matt coming inside off the wing on the left. Simon was devouring first and second balls like a football hungry cannibal whilst Joe was cooly bringing others into the game whilst everyone buzzed around him.
Finally the breakthough. Another attack down the right resulted in a big looping cross (not sure who from) into the middle. Who else was on the end of it but that man Garwood again. Quick handshakes and line up again for the kick off. One team at least were aware that the game wasn’t finished yet and that it’s best to celebrate only once in a game and that’s at the final whistle.
Now the game was getting very niggly with some really quite pathetic diving, one example of which had Jonny springing a
Was it from a shot from the book depository? Or was from triangulated fire? We’ll never know what brought that Machico forward down.
round on the sidelines in anger like a demented Zebedee. I couldn’t wait for him to get involved.
Shortly after I had my wish. Jonny came on for Don at full back, and I remember someone whispering to me ‘there’s no way Jonny’s finishing this game without a booking’. We were soon to have our answer. A Machico player ran with the ball into the area tracked by Jonny and then…… a shot rang out. Well, no. It didn’t ring out. In fact I didn’t hear anything. But someone, somewhere, probably on that grassy knoll near the pitch must have fired a rifle because over he went down like the top of his head had been blown off.The ref blew his whistle. Oh bollocks. They can’t cheat us out of this one can they? Still the ref didn’t signal. What was he going to give? It better not be a bloody penalty. Justice. Free kick to Albion and a yellow card for the diving.
All that remained was for Albion to see out the game. Job done. Final score, 3:2.