The Albion FC

Kenobi: A surprise Albion supporter

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious”

Ben Kenobi

Albion 1-3 ADF Machico

You could be forgiven for thinking that Obi Wan was referring to Mos Eisley, but during a stop off to the Dagobah system he encountered upon planet football………….a few light years away from this planet was Earth. This was the home of The Mighty Albion of Clapham, where legends, Greensmith, Scott, Stanley and Barker once hung their boots or shinpads in glory to the gods of Sunday league football.

Palac: Albion Legend…..again

Sadly this season, the Albion said good bye (again) to prodigal son Vilem. His relationship with the Albion was akin to Lennon/McCartney’s Hello Goodbye. “You say yes, I say no, You say star & I say go, go, goooh”. Vilem was sold to a Surrey celebrity health club named Reigate Priory, in return for a box of Jaffa cakes & a Glenn Medeiros record. Nothing’s gonna change our love for him; we’ll miss his mercurial spirit, mesmeric skill and spectacular goals…..which were evident in his 1st incarnation at the Albion. His 2^nd incarnation was much spirited but he often voiced his displeasure with people for leaving the light on , often shouting “switch it” during matches. His perfect penalty kick record was almost as long and unkempt as his hair; a talented footballer – we love him, we will miss him and he’ll be probably be back, much like Jason in Friday 13^th .  A true legend. He has served Albion well.

This summer has been awash with sporting wonderment as the elite of sport (and Philips Idowu) gathered at the Olympics and Paralympics to feast on victory. While all this was taking place, a man from north London with a particular fondness for French football shirts was embarking on some serious transfer activity.

I spent most of the summer rebuilding my next great team. Having been told that FIFA 13 was due for release in September, I got back to Albion duty and signed a large number of players to herald a new era at the club…I’m sure you’ll read about them soon..

After a beneficial summer of training and friendlies, we embarked on our first game at Home to ADF Machico. We were relieved to see that Lambeth Council had not used any of the pitch fees towards providing habitable changing facilities with running hot water for the patrons. Instead it had been spent on cutting the grass the previous week. Our sponsor Habitat for Humanity may intervene in order to deliver suitable housing for Albion.

ADF Machico have been giving teams more spankings than a Tory politician’s arse, but Albion were not going out like that.

The team was, Hatch in goal, Dunc, Myles, Aleks, Big Stew, Max Branning, Buff Ralph, Neil Simon Playwright, Dustin, Jonny, Ben Button up front.  James O’ Brien aka Ol’ Dirty Brien, &  HRH the Ginger Prince on the bench. Debuts were given to those in Bold

Neil Simon only arrived 20 mins late which, while better than 21 mins, meant that he was late and has to suffer the ignominy of having it mentioned here……for being late. Team talk was delivered on the pitch in the shade, close to footpath as nobody put on any Factor 40 sunblock, plenty of Max Factor was walking about though oh yes. Anyroad, Team talk delivered, solid warm up, great team talk by Big Stew and it was time for kick off.

The referee (think Sky Sports Jim White) blew the whistle and it was on. The first few minutes saw what I call football foreplay as each side felt their way round the pitch and each other to find a sensitive area to penetrate. Ironically, there was a lot of bitchin and moaning going on but that was from the opposition to some, er, tackles. The squeaking suggested that they did not like it in em, up em or at em.

The pheromones the grass was giving off was particularly stronger than anything Bob Marley smoked, as players rolled deeper in it than Adele, when tackled. I’ve not heard so much squeaking since that concert by the Pied Piper from Harry Hamlin.

There was some great possession football played by Albion in the first 20 mins and some swift passing and individual skill by Machico. This looked very entertaining. Dustin heavily involved on the right working brilliantly in midfield with 2 touch passing combinations with Neil Simon, Buff Ralph and Ben Button up front. One attack on the right was snuffed out by Machico left back for a throw. With no Rich today, Barny’s bastard throw bounced in the box uncontested, with Usain Bolt like reactions, Buff Ralph reacted fastest to rifle a firm shot into top left hand corner. One Love…..I mean 1-0 to the Albion.

Day: Prolific scorer in 2011/2012, both on and off the pitch

Barny had a few near misses with some sighters from distance and close range headers. Buoyed by his 8 goal sortie last season that helped deliver the Player of the Year award & having seen his wife and child cheering him on. Barny was a man possessed, although he could not shoot the sheriff at this rate.

Duncan, after a rampaging run that produced a corner, latched onto a clearance to the edge of the area and let fly an Exocet that was thwarted in its direction of the top corner from which Buffalo Soldier Ralph scored, by a defender’s hand. This hand was like the one you see in the crowd at basketball, a huge thing, make your dick look real small. Jim White did not give it, despite the Albion appealing in unison like the intro to Queens “Somebody to love”, despite Helen Keller, Ray Charles and 2 of the 3 blind mice all claiming to have seen it, Kym Sims was not happy either chanting “Too blind to see it, Too blind to see what you were doing”.

Dunc in his best Hugh Grant English, tried to politely articulate from the referee how he came to such a strange decision. Shocked by the manner of his politeness Jim White, politely told him that it wasn’t a penalty.Jamming

This hurt Machico, but confident in their ability they pressed on, passing and moving silkily and with penetration, foreplay done, into the Albion half. Still the Squealing persisted, like that bit in the 2^nd chorus of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” but not for the very first time, but every time human or insect contact had been made. Get up Stand Up.

Skilful, quick, dynamic,  ADF equalised when Hatch ran 6 yards to close down an attacker. The pacy forward, managed to turn the keeper and defender, before squaring to his colleague to score a tap in.

1-1, but not for long. Within 2 minutes, somewhat unbalanced, The Albion conceded 5 mins before half time, when a poor goal kick went directly to left back Myles. With the defender failing to reach the ball, Machico intercepted and attacked down the right for a cross and tap in goal.

2-1 Sheeeeiiiit.

Half time was sponsored by Gatorade and we were in shock as to how we were losing. It was September, but Xmas presents were being handed out, given the platoon like exaggerations of the opposition of the players, there were no cards this Xmas from the ref.

2^nd half

Jonny was a good man & took it up another gear, roaring down the left, leaving neat touches for Ol’ Dirty Brien who came on for the tireless Steve……..(who may/may not have been ………tired). Duncan and Dustin tore up the right wing, offering up chances for the midfielders to shoot from distance. Waiting in Vain (Jah) for an opportunity to arise, Dustin drove forward finding space down the right having worked a position with Duncan, managed to deliver a couple of corners and chances across the 6 yard box that we could not convert. After one such sortie, a 3 man counter attack saw Bill pull out an amazing save from close range when exposed over the bar. “Is that all you got” I imagined Bill saying…….. Machico tried this again after another Albion attack broke down with an exodus of cover due to attempts to equalise, Machico scored from just inside the corner of the box to the bottom left hand corner, despite Bill’s best efforts to stop it. . Rarseclaat, bloodclaat & Dick Advocaat.

Romeo dunn -3-1

Rastafar I got there in the end. Next match will be different, don’t worry about a thing very little thing…… you getting my drift now. We deserved something from this game & the score line was flattering, however Machico must not be underestimated they are a very good side in a competitive division where many teams will drop points. Our aim is not to drop our standards or points there was much to be pleased about and the signs are good, I’ve every confidence that there is more to come from this side.