The Albion FC

Lauder: This week's match report author

Sunday morning newspapers are always a feature of our pre-match routine and this Sunday we were all aghast at the news that Albion’s own Russian billionaire Roger Soper’s plans to erect a life size statue of Jade Barker had been sensationally scrapped by Lambeth borough council.

After the unveiling of the new Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage, it was felt that South London wasn’t big enough for two pioneers of fashion. Although some would argue, Jacko never had a “Hancock” beanie.

From the off the day was to eerily resemble the “King of Pop’s” career in many ways. There was a “Thriller”, some “Bad” defending, some “Bad” glasses, some “Off the Wall” decisions, some “Dangerous” tackling – luckily though without any “Blood on the Dancefloor” as we had plasters for that.

If only MJ had wrote a song called “Bastard Throw In’s”, I could of referenced Rich.

Before the meet, my Sunday morning started in the usual way for me. Early wake-up (7am), adrenaline and excitement kicks in, half hour on bog checking my Facebook to see if Nick has left any “off my face in Inferno’s getting stuck into some clunge with the boyz” messages. Followed by a large breakfast of: porridge, 2 fat burners, Lucozade, rice pudding and a pint of water.

This week however, there was the added anticipation of whether I’d actually get the number 5 shirt back (see also Colin Hendry and Basile Boli), after the previous weeks heroics (4-2 V Southbank) which featured a man of the match performance from Albion’s greatest ever centre back.

Fortunately for me Andy was away and therefore there was one change to the team which defeated Southbank : Bill in goal, back 4 of Hasselhoff, Napoleon Dynamite, Simon, Shermanator, midfield 4 were Dave in the “Dave” role, Jindy, Jackie Onassis and Dom from “Dick and Dom” on the Wings, the little and large duo of Rich and Steve up front. Don, Vil and Myles on the bench (although all definitely coming on at half time).

The pitch was the size of postage stamp and as dry as a new year’s eve in the Barker household. Certainly not a pitch for a slide tackler, even a stand up tackler, someone hoping to play without twisting their ankle, breaking their back or cutting their knees. It was less a case of “Heal the World” more a case of the “Earth Song”.

Abbott: Regretted late night on the common

Unfortunately for Simon and his heavily plastered knees, this was going to be a problem. Discussion was rife within the changing rooms as to whether he was doing a very bad Nelly impression or simply needed to borrow Will’s “Kazbag” next time he was dishing out the Clapham Common specials.

The team talk included a reminder of last year penultimate fixture against Tooting Park, when we found ourselves in a similar position and subsequently 2 nil down in 10 minutes, only to pull it back late on. Surely that couldn’t happen again?!

Despite the pitch being so small and the opposition resembling extras from “the Borrowers,” we found ourselves under immediate pressure from the long ball and from kick off had to concede a corner as a result of a good run from the Navigados striker in behind the Albion defence.

The first 10 minutes passed by at a frantic pace with both teams struggling to control the ball and bring it down on the difficult pitch. Matt the “Speed Demon” was doing some fantastic work on the right wing, closing down the full back and creating havoc whenever he had the ball.

There were many tackles put about by both teams, however one mistimed Albion tackle lead to a free kick to Navigados on the high way line. The ball was pumped long but dealt with by the Albion defence; the clearance was however returned straight back into the box where 3 players were waiting in an offside position. Offside? No. The referee overruled the lino’s decision, and the striker coolly finished. You rock my world.

Things were quickly going from bad to worse as the Albion continued to struggle to control the ball and exert any kind of domination over Navigados. Many Albion’s players were throwing themselves into tackles in the hope of winning the ball and gaining possession. Unfortunately, we soon gave away another free kick in our own half. The ball was again pumped long and this time caught Bill too far out of goal, 2-0.

Remember the aforementioned Tooting Park game, well we didn’t! In the words of MJ, “it was time to stare at the man in mirror and make that change”.

Mann: Overruled other free kick candidates

That change came almost instantly as Albion were awarded a free kick approximately 27.5 yards from goal. Jindy being the captain overruled the other candidates and placed the ball down with the conviction of a young Gary McAllister, and swerved the ball beautifully into the top right hand corner. The lifeline we needed, chamone!

For the next 5 minutes it seemed Rich was taking bastard throw after bastard throw, many creating chances in the box. The second goal was however created by the foot of Rich, who crossed the ball into the 6 yard box for Leslie to knock down, giving Evans an easy top in. Chekdamone!

We didn’t have to wait long for another bastard throw. Almost instantly from kick off, Albion won a throw in on the right hand, Rich launched the ball into the Navigados 6 yard box – creating the panic not seen since a Neverland sleepover. Dave managed to get his own head to it and knocked it goal bound, allowing Matt to jump up and nick the ball in like a “Smooth Criminal”. Albion now finally ahead, eeeheee!

The throws continued and soon Albion were to get their 4th. This time the ball bouncing in the box off a Rich throw and Matt did his best to header the ball on from another McPhee knock on and the ball ended up in the net, this one might go to the dubious goal panel or we might just give it to Matt. 4-2, chekdakone!

Who’s bad? Nick Evans certainly is, even if he might call it naughty. What was to come certainly was a thriller and a bit naughty. Evans picked the ball up in the oppo half, dinked around a few players and screamed the ball into the bottom right hand corner from 25 yards, giving the Albion a comprehensive 5-2 lead at half time. Ooooowww!

After a brief team talk and a reminder of the job in hand the Albion took to the field for the second half.

After the excitement of the first half, the second half was inevitably a bit of a let down.

Navigados were doing everything in their power to come back into the game, and soon reaped their reward. The Navigados striker picking the ball up on the edge of the box and drilling the ball through my legs, into the far corner. Game on, seemed Navigados were staying that they “Wanna be Starting Something”.

A change was needed, and with Jade it doesn’t matter if your black or white. You’re both coming on – Vil (resident P.Y.T) and Don entered the fray, with Simon and Steve going off.

Palac: Got his hair out his eyes long enough to finish cooly

There was plenty of back and forth attacks, Navigados without much cutting edge and any real chances being dealt with admirably by the Albion defence (particularly the good looking #5). Around the 55th min the Albion were awarded a free kick which was sent into the box by the skipper and knocked down by Rich into Vil’s path. Luckily for the Albion his hair wasn’t in the way and Vil coolly finished headed pass the keeper to put us 6-3, up.

After this it has to be said the standard of the game dropped even further and Navigados began playing like “Strangers in Moscow”. The Albion were only slightly better, and to make matters worse Matt got injured and was replaced by Myles – who still has only a half finished haircut.

There was one more moment to cheer, when ANOTHER bastard throw was launched into the box and flicked on by Dave (what he was doing in the opposition box around the 70min is beside the point) and made its way to the back post where Don tapped in for a 7th. Personally, I was disappointed that Don didn’t flick it up and score some kind of screamer as I love his Hooks impression from Police Academy when he scores his screamers.

Just like me now the game run its course and finished. On the way back to the cars I couldn’t help but think the “King of Pop” would have enjoyed this game, although admittedly towards the end he probably would have walked off to watch the juniors playing on the pitch opposite.

So we go into our last game needing a win, déjà-vu? Well I for one hope it’ll be a case of jamais vu; we finish the job and get what we deserve! Come on boys, in the words of MJ “This is it, This is it, This is it, chamone!”.

P.S If Jindy offers you “Jesus Juice” at the end of a game, its not juice, its not even Rohypnol. It’s his piss. Don’t make the same mistake I made.