The Albion FC

Roberts: No one ever accused him of failing to drink enough

In a frank public statement, Albion legend, Dan Roberts, has spoken out over the lifestyle of one of the club’s key strikers, and in particular, levels of alcohol consumption. Following Fabio Capello’s advice to Andy Carroll, Roberts’ comments were directed at Albion striker, Steve Leslie, who he admonished for “not drinking enough”. Roberts is known to have been privately concerned at the recent lack of enthusiasm for binge drinking within the club, yesterday stating “This club was built on poor diets, hangovers and alcohol abuse. It’s what has galvanised us over the years. Trust me, with some of the Albion performances I’ve seen over the years, you need something a shitload stronger than Powerade to get through 90 minutes.”

Referring to Leslie directly, he directed him to “Get out there and get on the lash” adding “If he wants to become a top player for Albion, he needs to be turning up without any sleep, struggling to contain his bodily fluids and on the wrong end of a massive session. In my playing days, we’d be straight out of The Embassy Club or Faces in Essex, grabbing my Admiral boots, and cadging a lift to Clapham in Frank Worthington’s Triumph Herald. Helium days, man”

Leslie, renowned for his work ethic and fitness despite his maturity, has become known as a Benjamin Button figure within the team, with one or two senior players privately grumbling at his dedication and seemingly endless youth. One player, who refused to be named said “He’s showin’ us oop, int he? Mekkin’ us look bad with his bloody running and chasin’, and turning around quickly. How the fook am I supposed ter compete when I’ve had a Ruby and fifteen sherbets, and he’s been on the green tea? It’s ballbag, I tell thee.”

Roberts has directed Leslie to look no further than his strike partner for an example. “If he wants to bag 20 goals a season and have hamstrings like piano wire, he should be taking a leaf out of Rich Pemberton’s book. He should turning up late, under the threat of a kidnap charge and dressed in his indie band chic from the night before. If he’d done that earlier in his career, he could have been done and dusted by the age of 29. Now that’s an emphatic career.”