Rich Evans: Would play in braces if Jade would let him
Sunday morning football used to be a pure sport. Sadly, it seems that the corporate modernisation of the professional game is slowly polluting the once untainted environs of the Albion changing room.
There was a time when the darkened sheds on Clapham Common were a place to swap details of hangovers, conquests, and how Tranmere had screwed up your accumulator again. Where the only tactical instruction you’d be given was the name of the team you were playing.
Today’s Albion’s changing rooms are a very different place. Full of base layers, monogrammed boots, protein shakes, tiger balm, personalised stretching routines and formations that sound like telephone numbers. People still fart, but what were once fetid gusts of stink now just smell faintly of hollandaise sauce.
Nothing, I thought, could make me more depressed about the state of the Albion changing room. I was wrong. On Sunday I witnessed a new low. Two players exchanging stock market tips like they were Gordon bloody Gekko. Shame on you Rich and Harry.
Anyway, to the match. Albion versus last year’s league champions Machico. Lining up in military issue 4-4-2 was Walt in goals, back four was the Wolf of Wall Street aka Rich, Aleks, Dave “you do know I’ve retired Jade†McPhee, the Ginger Prince, midfield of Marcus, Jim, Will C, Eddy, and up top Chaz and George Soros himself Harry Carlile. Luke and Mike on the bench.
Opening exchanges were of a high quality as both teams knocked the ball about. Machico were trying to open things up by switching the play across the back, while Albion were making dangerous raids down the right wing.
The opening goal came about 20 minutes in. Marcus chased down what looked like a lost cause near the halfway line. With the oppo player looking to shield the ball out Marcus raced over and hooked the ball down the line which put Harry away. With only the world’s shortest keeper to beat, Harry opted for the top left corner and Albion were one nil to the good.
Goal number two came after more good work down the right. Rich threw the ball in to Harry who played a one-two with Charlie. Seeing as the keeper hadn’t had much luck getting to the far corner last time, Haz tucked the ball into the same spot again with the same result.
Machico were far from out the game and Albion’s defence had to be repel some dangerous attacks. A third Albion goal looked like it might come in handy for later. It arrived courtesy of another assist from Marcus. Crossing from the right, Charlie headed on to Eddy at the back post who finished from 6 yards.
Half time.
Second half started and it seemed that Machico had decided to try and rough up the Albion. Some of the tackles were of the decidedly naughty variety. The change of style seemed to distract Albion for a bit. Machico’s goal came after what should have been an Albion free kick after Eddy was cleaned out. We were too busy complaining to the ref to deal with the counter attack and Machico got themselves a first foothold in the game.
Lesson learnt, Albion knuckled down to see out the rest of the game. Harry and Charlie chased down anything loose up front while Jim, Will C and later in the game Rich were shutting the game down in midfield. In goal, Walt became increasingly busy dealing with balls into the box. He also had to pull off a couple of good saves, one to his near post and a spectacular Matrix-style slow motion leap to his right to tip a shot destined for the top corner onto the bar.
Final whistle, 3-1 the Alb.