Following Sunday’s emphatic 5-0 victory over Southern Sunday League rivals Huracan, Albion’s run of good form has sensationally been threatened by a “Sex Panther†shortage.
During the weekend’s pre-game preparations, and after successfully lubricating 28 thighs, calves and hamstrings using only 1ml of liquid, the mysterious muscle relaxant’s bottle ran dry.
Since the introduction of the herbal muscle relaxant by fullback Jonny Hobson, the origins and ingredients of the “Sex Panther†are shrouded in mystery. However, there have been some bizarre and amazing effects on the Albion players.
During recent games, Albion centre back and team clogger Stewart Lauder has been seen performing dummies, Cruyff turns and even passed to feet.
Right back, Tasmanian devil and “Sex Panther†owner Jonny Hobson has gone 2 consecutive games without a booking, Barny Day has taken to performing dubious and politically incorrect impressions and manager Jade Barker has been calling everyone “Willâ€.
Whilst getting his monthly fill of Ralph McBaiden, weekend spectator and centre midfielder Dave McPhee said, “Wood Lock? I’m not sure about that. Personally every time I’m down here watching Buff Ralph, I’ve got a case of Wood cockâ€.
In a desperate bid to halt any ill effects the lack of “Sex Panther†might potentially have on the team and in a race against time before the next league match. Albion manager Barker has despatched team central midfielder and secret agent James “Bourne†to the Far East in search of the elixir.
Barker said this of the situation, “I’ve sent Will over there, hopefully he’ll locate it and stuffâ€, adding, “I’ve also asked him to keep an eye out for any central midfielders, you can never have enough.â€
Whether the Albion hierarchy locate a new batch of the “Sex Panther†remains to be seen. Albion supporters are asked to be vigilant whilst visiting local “Pound Shops†and to contact the club immediately should the potion be located.