The Albion FC

Slater: 88 games and counting

Will Slater has become the greatest ever non-scoring footballer in Albion history after going 88 games in a calendar year without scoring a goal.

The left back smashed the 40-year old record on Sunday when he again failed to find the net in Sunday’s Surrey Cup encounter with Putney Lions.

The football world was quick to pay tribute to Slater’s record. Albion manager Jade Barker said: “No player in the history of the club has struck terror into the hearts of his own fans when he runs in on goal like Slater. I think it’s the certainty that he’s not going to score that does it.”

“Still you’ve got to hand it to him – 88 games is a hell of an achievement. Clearly he was never going to intentionally score, but as he closed in on the record the worry has always been that he’d accidentally deflect something in and the run would be over.”

Opposition defenders hailed the achievement: “You can get the cigars out as soon as you see Slater’s name on the team sheet. Nothing gives me more confidence that we’re going to keep a clean sheet than him break into the box. I’ve never played against anyone who’s had less of an idea of what they’re doing going forward.”

Mystery surrounds the circumstances of Slater’s last goal for the Albion. The last living witness, Harry Lawman, died earlier this year at the age of 113. Shortly before his death he recounted seeing Slater score when he attended an Albion game as a small child with his father. Lawman said: “There was a melee in the six yard box. No-one could see a thing. Next thing the ball was in the net and some lanky streak of ginger piss is running away from goal with his arm in the air. It was pretty rubbish really. I’m still not convinced he got the last touch.”