The Albion FC

Lauder: This week's match report scribe

Following the news that the 2012 Olympic stadium could be named after a sex toy company, it turns out that this Sunday Albion’s own Dave McPhee had already beaten Ann Summers to it and developed a sexual erection of his own in South London. It has since come to light that there were two Rocky’s present on Sunday, one playing central midfield for Southbank and the other in Dave’s pants at the sight of Ralph with his top off at the final whistle. Albion’s recently “back out of the closet” Northerner could not hide his feelings in the pub, salivating at the sight of Ralph’s “buffness”. Anyway this was all post game; let’s get to the game….

The Albion turned up to the changing rooms looking like something out of The Hangover. There were sore heads a plenty, however Jade will be happy to know that there was no smoking and definitely no herb. Personally I was onto my fourth bottle of Lucozade by the time I got to the changing rooms, and I am happy to say was feeling suitable energised. So to the football and the Albion were handed a tough start in the league with a home tie against the 2009-2010 league champions Southbank.

Abbott: Had big boots to fill in the 'Dave role'

As part of manager Jade Barker’s continuing quest to improve the squad, the Albion were able to include two new summer acquisitions in the squad, as well as the welcome return of the mercurial talents of James Rothwell (Insert your own “like having a new signing” cliché here). Following past experience of Southbank playing 3 strong players in the middle of the part, the gaffer wisely opted for the favourite Christmas tree formation included therein the “Dave Role”. Team (4-5-1) : Barker (GK), Berger (RB), Day (CB), Lauder (CB), Mann (LB), Abbott (Dave Role), Palac (LW), Thomas (RW), Ralph (CM), Rothwell (CM), Pemberton (ST). Subs Slater & Shucksmith.

With what was a good surface for passing football, the game started off at a frantic pace with the ball being moved about well by both teams across the park. It was clear to see from early exchanges that the game was going to won and lost in midfield, with both teams having particularly strong central midfields. Southbank were opting to play the ball out wide more often than not, whilst the Albion preferred the more direct style of getting the ball up to Rich early and playing off him.

Pemberton: Notched

This tactic proved to be successful as Rich was getting a lot of joy out of the Southbank defence and when Southbank were clearing the ball to their midfield, Albion’s central midfield trio were pressing the play fantastically and winning a lot of crucial challenges. It wasn’t long before Rich’s persistence and hard work paid off. After good work out on the wing between Vil and Rich, Rich took a chance, hitting a long range shot from outside of the box which the keeper could only parry onto Ralph who poked the ball over the line. This was particularly exciting for McPhee, whose admiration had reached new heights and had by now inscribed “Dave 4 Ralph” into a nearby common tree.

Southbank responded well to their setback and were beginning to play the ball out to their wings with more regularity in the hope of creating an opening; such instances were dealt with admirably by the Albion full backs. The wind did seem to be creating some problems, as Jindy in particular had trouble judging the ball after a night’s debauchery.

To settle Jindy’s nerves and show him how to deal with the long ball, I stepped up with what can only be described as a moment of pure class or as Nick Evans would say “unbelievable tekkers”. “Cometh the hour, cometh the man”, with the ball rolling into the corner of the pitch I ran back to retrieve the ball with the Southbank striker bearing down. With footwork, not seen since John Travolta was in tight pants, I dropped the shoulder and pulled off a majestic Cryuff Turn which as well as sending the striker the wrong way deceived the other 20 players on the pitch. In the words of Busta Rhymes, “Wooha!”

Evans: "Unbelievable tekkers"

Unfortunately for the Albion, it wasn’t long before Southbank’s persistence paid off. Their left winger skipped between 3 Albion players and after bearing down on goal unleashed a low hard drive to the right of Barker, who though got a hand to the ball could only deflect the ball further into the corner. 1-1.

The game continued to flow, in what was turning out to be a fantastic game of football. Albion were dealing with the Southbank attacks well and were themselves having a few telling opportunities. It was 5 mins before half time, when Rich and Don exchanged passes before Don slotted Rich in between centre back and full back, who finished expertly into the far bottom corner. The remainder of the half passed without much incident and the teams left the field 2-1 to the Albion.

The second half started in much the same way as the first, with both teams trying to get hold of the ball – however this midfield battle was beginning to resemble more a pinball board than a football match. Southbank’s equaliser was to come under dubious circumstances and involved the Italian Stallions namesake. The ball broke through to the Southbank player who rushed into the Albion penalty, and was soon sprawled out with legs akimbo on the floor like McPhee at an Alex sex party. Now, I’m not saying it was a dive but I’ve seen Pearl Heenan perform a more convincing half twist. Except she didn’t get up winking. Anyway giving credit where credit is due, Ronaldo coolly stepped up and sent Barker the wrong way. 2-2, game on.

For all the injustice, the Albion were not going to feel hard done by. Instead stepping up their effort and increasing the pressure on all players around the park. New signing Dan Shucksmith soon took to the pitch and was trying his best to get involved in every attack. A few half chances past for the Albion, meanwhile Southbank had switched tactics and were now sending the ball long which was dealt with fantastically by the Albion back 5.

Time was quickly running out and it was going take a colossal effort for either team to break the deadlock, or not. Albion won a corner, which was delivered the near post, with most of the players missing the ball before Dan turned the goal in from close range. 3-2. Before the game could finish there was an unsavoury moment with an outlandish and quite frankly filthy tackle on debutant Shusksmith.

Regardless the Albion saw the game out and emerged from the 12th round victorious, albeit cut, bruised and still with pounding heads. A great start to the season, and I would call that “a start”. During the coming months a lot of football is going to played, won and lost, twist and turns (especially a couple more Cryuffs if I have my say) and we will all finally get the answer we’ve all been pining for. Will McPhee pluck up the courage and follow in the footsteps of the real Italian Stallion and ask Ralph “I was wonderin’ if, uh, you wouldn’t mind marryin’ me very much.”?