The Albion FC

After a 7-day manhunt, the Metropolitan Police finally ended their search for fugitive Will Slater, snaring him in the shrubbery of Clapham Common. He was captured alive after a failed attempt to bore himself to death with obscure drone music.

Slater, Albion vice-captain, was said to have “gone postal” a week ago, storming out of a pub in Brixton during the World Cup final due to lack of seating with the words “This is sh*t”. Upon learning that he would not be given the captain’s armband for the forthcoming season, his rage tipped him over the edge. Acquaintances warned the authorities that Slater was “simmering and about to erupt”. The police and Albion management however, defended their lack of response, saying “we receive the same warning on Slater about once a week”.

His week on the run began with a break-in at manager Jade Barker’s home, in order to procure the armband he so cherishes. Barker immediately raised the alarm, sensing that this was no normal burglary. “I knew something was wrong. The only things that were missing were the armband and my formation playbook which is about 20,000 pages long. Then I noticed that my Premier League DVDs had been smashed to pieces and my green tea poured all over them. At that point, I knew it was him.”

Slater: Unhinged

With police now searching for Slater, his next target caught them off guard. Another break-in, this time at a flat in Earlsfield where the only clue was a smashed jar of hollandaise sauce, and a message scrawled in black coffee on the wall reading ‘MY TIME IS COME.’ The flat is believed to belong to Albion midfielder James Matthew Carroll Bourne London Rothwell Karpinski. However, police have yet to confirm this, as they are currently sifting through what appears to be evidence of hundreds of identities, and sensitive microfiche in Russian, Chinese and Pashtun. “We don’t know how Slater got in and out. The place is booby trapped to hell” said one spokesperson.

By now, armed officers had formed a secure cordon around the home of captain Jindy Mann, believing that he was Slater’s ultimate target. Mann appeared unperturbed and played down the ‘ring of steel’ sealing off his street. “This is an overreaction. For god’s sake, this is a man who can’t even touch his toes”.

Their worst fears were confirmed when police received a 40-page letter declaring war on “all captains for what they’ve done to me. I’ll have all those b*stards. I’ll be coming in their earholes like a hurricane. F**k. That. Sh*t.” Armed SO19 officers were immediately dispatched to homes belonging to captains of arch rivals Southbank, Friends For Life and Nolans FC. Officers were also sent to a home in Tooting to protect Albion midfielder, David McPhee, who for many years was captain of Kazbar Young Boys.

Criticism of the police mounted as they admitted that Slater appeared to be “one step ahead of them”. Barker, however, felt they may have been caught off guard as “in my 5 years in charge of Albion, it’s the first time he’s been one step ahead of anyone.” Slater is known amongst his team-mates as a survivalist with a violent temper. He regularly dressed in camouflage toned clothing, with a skill for concealment and a tendency to violently erupt for seemingly innocuous comments.

Six days into the manhunt, there was an unlikely breakthrough when members of the public reported seeing Slater on Clapham High Street. Later, in the same area, witnesses described an unprovoked severe beating of man a drinking a skinny latte outside Starbucks, perpetrated by an individual resembling Slater or a “ginger Don Cheadle”.

Cheadle: Not a suspect

As the net closed in on the area, Slater retreated to a dense thicket on the Common known as Gobblers Gulch. Police quickly surrounded him but were unable to capture him, being pinned back by unrelenting drone music as well as Slater holding a pair of scissors to the armband and threatening to sever it.

A stand-off ensued long into the night, with police negotiators desperately attempting to reason with Slater. It is believed they reminded him of his involvement in two cup finals with Albion, and the upcoming Buenne Cup tour in Germany, in an attempt to assure him that he had everything to live for.

With negotiations at a delicate stage, there was a bizarre development as Neale Scott arrived claiming Slater was an old friend who would listen to him. A clearly inebriated Scott said “I know Slato, we’re old pals. I know what’s it’s like and I want to help him. I’ve brought him some cans of Castlemaine XXXX, a kebab and a warm hoodie. I just want to say to him “Come on Slato, it’s me, Scottie. Just give yourself up” ”. Scott later declared himself out of retirement and available for selection for the Albion.

In the early hours of this morning, with Slater visibly drained and losing consciousness due to the drone music, police eventually pounced, distracting him with a pair of yellow football boots. He gnashed his teeth and snarled as he was led away but was later subdued with hardcore German techno music.

The episode will raise questions over whether this could have been prevented. Slater’s rage has long been tolerated by his team-mates and for many is a source of amusement. Albion manager, Barker, was adamant that Slater would be part of the squad for the forthcoming season. “What we’ve seen over the last week is unpredictable violence, thuggery, and brutality. And if it’s good enough for Mark Van Bommel, it’s good enough for Albion.”