The Albion FC

Palac: Penalty record

The only player to have scored and faced a penalty in the same game reports on Albion’s 8 – 2 win over Bath Old Boys. Read Vilem’s full match report.

Great result for the mighty Albion, not least because this was against old rivals Bath, but because it was the opportunity to get the season started and to give us great confidence for the games ahead. You could argue that Albion’s squad for this game was fairly limited. Actually, you can’t argue. It was a fact. Squad was fairly limited Jeff. Albion’s gaffer needed to use all of his experience to tinker things around to get Albion through this game. So let’s start with the people that caused this tinkering…

Nick Evans – Injured his ankle when kicking a North African security worker while leaving night spot Infernos. Rumours that this was payback to six North African street cleaners arrested last week for planning an attack on his favourite Pope were not confirmed.

Jindy Mann – Is training for the Berlin marathon and doesn’t want to risk his biscuit ankles.

William Slater – Was representing Albion at London Fashion Week

Lord Barnaby Day – Has gone on honeymoon with centre back partner Stew Lauder

Stew Lauder – As above

Bill Blaney – Facing the prospect of Abbott/McPhee centre back partnership, he wisely decided to leave for the weekend

Andy McCue – Having made his competitive debut last week, no one has heard from his since.

Given all the missing players, the squad was reduced to only 12 players; including The Gaffer and The Greg, who should be counted as one and half really… Gaffer, as cool as ever, announced this starting line up:

 Barker – Thomas, Abbott, McPhee, Desenberg – Leslie, Turner, Rothwell (captain), Palac – Bartholomew, Pemberton.

 On the bench, man and a half Greg Williams. You wouldn’t think of this line up in your wildest dreams. Barker surprised everyone by playing ‘himself’ in the goal. Barker even said he would take the goal kicks. We all wished he would stop joking. Thomas, formerly striker or winger, was again deployed as a right back. New emergency centre back McPhee took the ‘Dave role’ into new dimension. Dave role used to be the ‘Makelele’ role. However, it seems to have changed into ‘anywhere you need me’ role.

Mr. Abbott, the greatest centre back in the Albion’s history, who has never lost a game when playing a centre back (doesn’t include cup games, double headers and when Bill wasn’t in goal) was McPhee’s partner in crime. Fortunately, his reputation wasn’t on the line, given Bill wasn’t in the goal. Desenberg at the left back carried a little injury in his crotch area. Leslie (known as Stevie Wonder) has apparently played ‘there’ before. Rothwell and Matt Turner in the middle. Palac on the left wing, given a ‘free role’ therefore exposing injured Desenberg’s crotch area. There was no more tinkering up front – Bartholomew and Pemberton. To the game…

Very good start for the Albion, who should have been up by 3 ish goals in the first 5 minutes. Bartholomew had all the chances after being put through, at times by long ball, at times by through ball. Bath managed few passes, but really didn’t get that close to the Albion goal. Soon, Thomas hooked the ball upfront, over the top of the defence. Pemberton was through and easily lobbed the keeper, 1:0. Albion often used the same trick – quick through or long ‘over the top’ ball to the strikers. And later on it paid off really well.

McPhee: Vintage scrambled effort

Albion won couple of corners, which were successfully miss kicked by Palac. One of these corners was hit right into the path of McPhee, who tripped on the ball so well that it ended up in net, 2:0. However, to many, this looked like an excellent pre planned set piece. Soon, Pemberton was again put through by Palac, one on one with the keeper, 3:0. Albion was cruising. Pemberton completed his hattrick when he was put through by Leslie, 4:0. There were couple of more chances, falling to Bartholomew, Pemberton and Turner – who was face to face with the keeper and tried to go around him. But the keeper dived well under his feet and cleanly won the ball. It looked like fairly one sided affair. Barker had only few goal kicks to take. And he again surprised everyone by taking them ‘not badly’. Unfortunately, Bath’s first real threat resulted in a goal. Palac needed to cover in the centre back area, won the first header to clear the ball, insufficiently though, and didn’t win the next header within few seconds – ball was flicked on onto Bath’s winger who hit the ball hard past watching Barker, 4:1.

Thing was, Albion knew how resilient Bath could be, no need to look further than last year’s tie. And this worried Albion. We needed one or two more goals to feel safe. Help came in the next few minutes. Sort of help… you don’t like to see or to accept, but can’t do much about it.

Albion corner, Turner and Bath’s skipper went for the ball, which bounced off somewhere. Turner then accidentally landed his studs on Bath skipper’s hand, which got swollen up immediately, didn’t look pretty and required trip to A&E. How often do you get taken to A&E in Ukrainian millionaire’s limousine? Step in Roger Sergei Sergeievich Soper, Albion’s wealthy owner. Rumour has it, that Soper, back in the day, when still in the USSR, was actually called ‘Sober’. However, following the fall of the Iron Curtain, English became the most taught language in his native Ukraine/USSR. ‘Sober’ became the subject of mickey taking, as he was arguably the only ‘sober’ person in the whole of USSR, which is known for its heavy drinking culture. Vodka and whiskey loving ‘Sober’ was forced to change his surname…

Back to the game… Bath had no subs so were forced to finish the game with 10 men… 4:1 down, 50 minutes to go, didn’t look good… half time.

During the half time talk, Albion were reminded of how strong Bath performed in the past against us, and how well they came back from being few goals down. No one wanted to see that again. Barker warned Albiones not to be ‘cock-a-hoops’.

Henri Leconte anyone?

Second half started. And we did just what we didn’t want to do. Bath now had possibly bit of a wind on their side and put Albion under pressure. There were a few dangerous looking corners, some of them Barker impressively punched out, and some were scrambled away by defenders. Bath’s only striker, fairly big lad gave McPhee and Abbott some hard time. It looked difficult to get to the ball as he used his excess bits to his advantage. He was arguably Bath’s best player. It took a while till McPhee and Abbott with help of full backs doubled him up.

Rothwell: "Juiced out"

Albion withstood the pressure and the game was all over when Pemberton won a penalty. It was no bad kick, but a naïve silly trip – some may say bit harsh. Ref summed this up by saying “you don’t need to fall down for a penalty”. Abbott would hear this again. Step up Mr Palac, the only Albion to convert all penalties taken. S. O. S. (same old situation), 5:1, and game really over. Within few minutes, Pemberton run away from everyone, rounded the keeper and scored yet again, 6:1, four for Pemberton. With the game done, Albion managed to pass the ball fairly well. Everyone looked like they were enjoying their game. Turner soon headed into the post, while it was easier to score. Pemberton used his bastard throw to no effect today. Usual recipient Rothwell looked juiced out, uninterested, unwilling… captain. You see, some say, he has a shed in his garden, where he keeps Polish men, usually dressed as badgers. All we know is… he is called… Mathew Carroll, James London, James Bourne, Jim Plis or Dimitri Karpinski.

Bath were given a rare opportunity when loose ball bounced around the penalty area and their player volleyed it in with real venom, just for Barker to reflexively punch the ball out. Impressive save, totally unexpected.

Reuben: 626 offsides

In about the 70th minute Barker again surprised everyone when he appeared to try something unheard of. Barker asked Palac to go in the goal, while Barker would take up the left wing. Shirts needed to be changed for this. Barker had the honour of wearing the Albion no 10, which was up to now regularly worn only by three players – Matt Greensmith (273 goals for Albion), Reuben Stanley (626 off sides for Albion) and Palac (184 penalties scored).

Palac, no Gringo between the posts, famously never conceded a goal as an Albion keeper. At this point Albion scored the best goal of the game. I missed it, as I was too far away and was bothered by the ‘local trim’. However, I was told that Albion put many nice passes together, at the end Bartholomew wonderfully turned the defender and volleyed in, 7:1. In an exclusive post match interview for Buenner Daily, Bartholomew played his efforts down, saying:” Received the ball from Don with my back to goal, turned the defender and went on to slot it to the right of the keeper. Nothing too exciting.”

Within two minutes, Barker realised that no 10 shirt is too tightly fitted and unsuitable for big bellies, he took himself off. The Greg came in. The Greg, who has been out of the game since April 2009, in protest against the closing of his favourite Gizel Kebab House, won all the Albion ultras back with a few neat touches.

”]Abbott, now clearly assured about his ‘best centre back in history’ status, started mucking about. As it was primarily McPhee, given his Kazbar history, touching and feeling the big Bath’s striker, Abbott thought ‘what am I missing here’. He appeared to get closer to the big boy, traditionally from the behind and as having no previous experience in such moves, he tripped the big guy, who stumbled a little and then continued to offer himself. Ball was no where near, the play was no where near, but crucially, Abbott’s games took part in the big box. Ref pointed at penalty spot, no one really knew what for. It felt that ref felt sorry for Bath so awarded them a complimentary penalty. Abbott didn’t look happy as he listened to ‘you don’t have to fall over to get a penalty’. Now with Palac in the Albion goal, here comes the best trivia you’ll hear this season.

Who is the only Albion player ever to score and to face a penalty in the same game?

Palac, who has gained a penalty expert reputation over the years, mainly for scoring abilities, was now facing a penalty and possibly the end to his ‘never conceded a goal’ stat. However, not many ‘younger’ Albiones are aware that during drunken Buenner Cup 2009, Palac saved 5 out 10 penalties (it was mutually agreed it was 5, as everyone was too p*ssed to remember). Not bad for someone with that hair and leather jacket.

Striker stepped up, hit the ball, Palac dived to the right, ball flew to Palac’s right… Palac stretched his arm more than when reaching for pint of Rollinck, ball hit the net, 7:2. Bugger. In the remaining time, Palac had no other work, while Bath goalie had to face couple of stinking shots from Turner. The game was finished when Pemberton scored his 5th of the game in closing minutes, after being put through by Turner. Game finished 8:2 for the mighty Albion.

With all due respect to Bath Old Boys team, their team is much weaker than in previous seasons. Albion’s line up wasn’t anywhere near the strongest available and still found it fairly easy to overcome Bath. It’s great to get the win, the goals, the confidence, but let’s be honest… This wasn’t the real test!

(Jeff, there could be few slightly inaccurate descriptions – too much stuff to remember. Please excuse that.)