Mann: Your humble scribe this week
The world is in chaos: Economies are crashing. People are rioting. And Barnaby Day is scoring two goals in one match. Something has to be done.
Albion’s first match against Battersea Park Rangers was, in some ways,a predictable Albion away game. The gaffer had laid down the law on timeliness and warned that any late arrivals would be a man leftbehind (Jade seems to have confused the Marines motto) – he then arrived late himself. He decided to make the most of the early meet bytaking the squad on a delightful leafy tour of Putney, Barnes andFulham, no doubt pointing out the autumn flora and fauna to his‘navigator’, Bill. The tour ended in a tarmac area of beauty in BarnElms, otherwise known as The Wrong Car Park.
Into the cavernous changing room, and the standard Sunday routinecontinued. Don brought tape. Rich borrowed my tiger balm (I had no idea it could treat venereal conditions). There were several cheapshots at Steve’s age, who smiled patiently through gritted teeth. And Nick Milne, clearly keen to avoid any insect bites, decided tocasually fumigate the changing room.
The gaffer gave a pre-matchbriefing that quite rightly pointed out that we had a rot to stop andneeded to bring back the confidence of last season. Through all ofthis, I found it hard to concentrate, trying not to gag on my ownvomit whilst wearing a kit supposedly ‘washed’ by Barny. Either hiswashing machine is broken or Jimmy Saville was wearing the no. 8 shirtlast week.
Despite several players missing out through injury & absence, thestarting line-up for BPR was in a traditional but strong 4-4-2: Billin goal. A back four of Will S – Barny – Simon 90s – Myles. A midfieldof Nick M – Will C – Jindy – Nick O’Tine Evans. Up front Steve 70s andRich, with Don and Dan S as subs.
From kick-off it became clear that BPR were no slouches and possessed strong, capable players. However, Albion started the game determined to play the high energy passing football that characterised last season. After one or two shaky moments, the defence settled well willing to pass and receive the ballfrom the back. Meanwhile, midfield and attack were passing and moving with the ball, and busy without it. It was like watching fliesswarming over a carcass – which is quite appropriate given the smell of our shirts.
Day: Unlikely source
The first goal though, came from the most unlikely of sources. Roughly15 minutes into the game, Rich launched his trademark ‘bastard like’ throw in right into the heart of the mixer. Arriving on cue andleaping like a giant ginger salmon, Barny powered a bullet header intothe net from just under 1-yard out. It was straight out of the Dave McPhee textbook. Still, a goal is a goal and after the initial shockof seeing Barny notch, we all celebrated. I was still unsure as towhether I was confused and Barny had actually scored an own goal.
The lead was short-lived. A hard-working and skilful outfit, BPR used the channels to good effect to get in behind Albion’s defence on a couple of occasions, and eventually scoring with a swift counter-attack and cross across the box. Rather than capitulate or point fingers though, Albion stepped it up, increasingly playing good short balls to feet all over the pitch. Will C was particularly activein midfield, buzzing around the centre of the pitch to link play and put in tackles. Jaap Stam might have referred to him as “a busy little[John Terry]â€.
On that note, I was particularly amused by the two Wills and the two Nicks having to use their second initial every time they called for a ball..â€NICK E’S BALL!…WILL C’S!â€. Perhaps some nicknames would be easier? Will S and Will C become Slaternator and Busy. Nick M and Nick E become Dustin and Stepover.
While I was thinking about all of this, Albion scored a second goal. Sustained pressure in the BPR penalty area saw a ball poorly cleared from a corner fall outside their 6-yard box. Barny, in his confusionat being in an unfamiliar penalty area, panicked and desperately hacked the ball away, hooking a clearance over his own shoulder. A gust of wind, and possibly a flick-on from Steve, saw the ball loop over their keeper and into the net. Barny had scored a SECOND goal.
There was an eerie silence. Jaws dropped. A tumbleweed rolled acrossthe pitch. The Met Office reported sub-zero temperatures in Hades. Inthe background a pig soared through the clouds and a dog stood on itshind legs and moonwalked. And then we all celebrated.
At half-time, the gaffer praised our confident and calm play, while Don performed explicit groin stretches within touching distance of the Scottish Albion Supporters Club. The referee also came over to pointout to me that the advantage he played after I disputed a decision, had led to our second goal. I couldn’t argue – I was too knackered.
The second half was a more sturdy performance. More passing footballand clean and tidy defending. Bill was claiming and punching difficult balls. Simon and Barny excelled in dealing with any aerial threat, against giant strikers who may have been blood relations of Peter Crouch and Jan Koller, with Slaternator and Myles willing to play simple passing football (as well as occasionally horsing it up the touchline).
Rothwell: Albion never green lit Argentinian mission
Busy and Stepover were true to their names, although Stepover did roll out some naughty showboating that saw a massive airkick from a BPR full-back that might have knocked him into the carpark if it had connected. Dustin, meanwhile, reminded us why we considered sending ‘James’ to extract him from Argentina, with a mazy run through some agricultural tackling that reminded me of the Cameroon attempts to tackle Caniggia in 1990 (although the lad was probably just a twinkle in his dad’s eye that summer). Steve meanwhile was a one-man battering ram, dropping short to win loose balls and generally being a nuisance. Rich also won his fair share of long balls, as well as some neat interplay with the midfield and clever runs in behind their defence. I mostly watched and occasionally complained to the referee.
Eventually, a neat through ball (I think from Busy Will) released Rich who considered his options, read his horoscope, thought about shooting, remembered he’d left the oven on, rounded the keeper, checked his watch and then slotted it into the net for a vital third goal. BPR upped the tempo pressing higher up the pitch and launchinguseful attacks with quick passing in the final third. Their keeper swapped with the striker, and posed a threat with his dribbling whilethe previous striker excelled in goal palming away some clear opportunities that we created in front of goal.
Don, now VERY well stretched, and Dan came on for Steve and Dustin.Both added energy and vigour and several chances were created thatcould have seen Don, Rich and Stepover each bag a brace. Eventually,through an interception from Busy, Don pounced on to a loose ball inthe penalty area with a sweeping finish into the bottom corner. BPRcontinued to press but not for long as the ref blew the final whistlefor a 4-1 Albion win.
Quite rightly, there were no excessive celebrations, just a warm glow and a recognition that this is the attitude we need to take into every game. Barny pestered everyone to get their man of the match votes in (I thought Don was excellent) and we all retired to The Duck for pizzaand beer. For some reason, the return journey was a lot quicker than the outward leg….